Why doesn't my husband want to have children? Husband doesn’t want a child, reasons, what to do

Protracted civil marriages, childfree living, unfinished renovations and an unfinished career - all are considered quite good reasons to hide the procreation plan in a drawer away.

The issue of having children is now one of the most critical and categorical.

Sometimes a husband refuses to have a child without objective reasons. Usually the man hides the real reasons for such an attitude.

If you are 100% confident in your man and want children from him, try to gently and femininely find out, not the relationship, but what is stopping him. There are many reasons why a guy doesn't want children.

1. No feelings or he is not sure

Notice how he talks about the future. Who is more in his dreams, his beloved or a full-fledged family with children and grandchildren?

In protracted, incomprehensible relationships, a man often does not admit to a woman that there are no feelings anymore, and sometimes they do not exist from the very beginning.

It's just beneficial for someone .

When the issue of having a child is raised in such a situation, the subconscious gives it away, because children, first of all, are an indicator of two qualities of a relationship: love and responsibility.

2. He's not ready

It doesn’t matter how old the husband is, maybe he’s simply not mentally mature for this area of ​​responsibility. Find out, maybe a man or devote time to hobbies and see no place in life for a child.

There is no need to panic: everything is not as bad as it might seem. This is much better than a morally fragile man who does not know how to properly raise a child.

Unpreparedness does not mean refusal.

3. He already has children

It often happens that in a second marriage a man is in no hurry to have children. He has already completed the mission of procreation. . And he is quite happy with the current state of affairs.

Children - this is responsibility, additional responsibilities, financial expenses.And it’s also good if the husband takes part in raising children from his first marriage or continues to communicate normally with them.

If communication with the baby left only negative impressions (snot, diapers, ), then it is much more difficult for a man to decide on a second child than to have a first one.

4. He is unsure about the future.

The man doubts that he will be able to provide for the child financially. Or he wants to make a career/build a house/get on his feet.

A completely logical rationale, but there is a danger that the condition will drag on for years. The more he earns, the greater your desires or needs for comfort will be. Think about it.

5. He's afraid to fade into the background.

If your relationship is built like " « a man will be terrified of attention deficit and will do everything to prevent this from happening. He will feel rejected.

Yes, these are complexes, uncertainty and immaturity, but even in an ideal relationship, motherhood sometimes changes a woman a lot.

If your husband is faced with the sad experiences of his parents or friends, he may subconsciously feel a threat to his comfortable position with the arrival of a child in the family.

6. He is afraid of losing his wife's beauty

“I’ve gotten fat, I’ve stopped taking care of myself, my character has deteriorated, I don’t want sex, and I don’t really want her anymore,” is a general complaint of many men.

There are many examples when turns into an obsessive jealous housewife. Some will say that this is a stereotype. Maybe. But, in any case, a professional woman always remains feminine and desirable.

Who's not to blame?

Why didn't you think about a man's plans and views on life when you married him? Did he say that he doesn’t want children at all or isn’t ready for them yet?

Or has something changed already in the marriage?

Let's be honest. What kind of family a man grew up in, what plans he has for the future, what he thinks about starting his own family - everything can be found out at the stage of the candy-bouquet period.

In fact, women are often faced with a hormonal explosion and All these points are simply ignored, and then the consequences are dealt with.

There are several reasons why a man does not want a child:

• Your illusions.If you have a normal dialogue with your husband, then you know about his plans and desires. In relationships there are not always pleasant moments and questions with unexpected answers. This is fine.

But if you avoid such conversations, it is not surprising that your husband's desires do not coincide with yours.

• The clock is ticking.Love for stereotypes - very . Questions: “When will the kids go?” or advice: “You should have been around long ago” got to you and your husband. But this is not a reason to force things at all.

Figure it out for yourself: are you ready to become a mother, is he ready to be a dad, but only a happy child, and not one brought up situationally and chaotically.

Get rid of myths and listen to yourself.

• Desire to tie husband.You think that a child will help keep a man or mend a relationship that has cracked. This is a dangerous and wrong path.

Men feel deception no worse than women. And don’t delude yourself that your enthusiastic “I’m pregnant” will make your marriage long and happy if the man is not ready for children. Quite the contrary.

How to influence?

Step 1: Understand the reason.About some you can guess, about others the man tells you directly. When in doubt, create an open dialogue between you. Learn to talk to your man, otherwise your relationship will go nowhere.

Ask him a direct question (only without complaints or reproaches), give him the opportunity to think and answer, and look at the reaction.

If children irritate him in general, think about whether it’s worth persuading him.

If you can’t imagine your life without a child, maybe it’s better to become a self-sufficient woman and find a worthy man?

Step 2. Prepare strong arguments. Problems with housing or career, starting a business... We can deal with all this together. The most important thing for a child is the love of his parents.

Sometimes men get too caught up in the race for results and forget about the ordinary things in life.

This is an excellent quality for a career, but try to convince your husband that the child does not need mountains of gold.

Yes, he needs a father who can provide for his family, but he also needs love and care, and this directly relates to the next point.

Step 3. Let the man understand that he can make the child happy.Very often, men are afraid to repeat the negative example of their own fathers.

Show your husband that you only see him as worthy of a dad. Tell him that you will insure him against the mistakes that he is so afraid of.

Mistakes from the past should not affect the future. And he will pass the paternity test with honor.

Step 4: Give a good example.His friends have long been happy dads, but he still can’t decide? Remind that fatherhood makes a man more attractive, courageous, and respected.

Better yet, play on his passion. Most often, a woman’s sexuality only intensifies after the birth of a child. And examples of wives who have neglected themselves are just an unfortunate exception to the rule.

Step 5: Prepare him for fatherhood.Just don't put pressure on the man. If your child is not yet ready, discuss how long you can both postpone planning. Are you satisfied with it?

So let your husband know that you respect his decision and are ready to wait as long as necessary.

Go to courses for future parents, read books about the psychology of fatherhood and motherhood, and overcome your fears together.

Show him that children are wonderful: go to visit families with children, watch films on this topic. Just don't overdo it. If you only talk about children day after day, a man may very soon run away from these conversations.

Unobtrusively let your husband understand how important the child is to you and how good it will be for you to raise a happy person together.

Step 6: See a therapist.This is necessary if a man has phobias or psychological trauma. For example, difficult relationships with parents. When the problem is too deep-rooted, good therapy can help.

Dangerous mistakes

Women obsessed with the birth of a little man very often do very stupid things. So large that they destroy families.

What you definitely DON'T DO is:

• Stop using contraception without your husband's consent. “Forgetting” to take birth control and “unexpectedly” becoming pregnant is almost a crime.

You don't have the right to make decisions about someone else's life alone. Ignoring a man’s desire means not respecting him and, in reality, loving yourself much more than him.

• Make demands and throw tantrums. I think everything here is clear without words. The only question will be how long a man can endure scandals before he leaves.
• Blackmail or give an ultimatum: “Either a child or a divorce!” Guess on the first try what the man will choose?

Do you need to persuade?

In harmonious relationships, most often a man and a woman either at one moment both understand that they want children, or procreation . Yes, it is his instinct that works first.

There is no need to persuade, blackmail or seduce anyone. Nevertheless, situations are different, and if you are faced with this problem, do not rush to despair.

Your feminine wisdom and patience are the main trump card in the fight for your family.

Well, if nothing helps convince a man to have children, maybe you should reconsider your relationship?

The birth of a child gives a couple two scenarios : either strengthens or destroys. Therefore, this decision should be one of the most balanced in your life.

I believe in your feminine wisdom,
Yaroslav Samoilov

The maternal instinct is inherent in a girl from childhood. It is not surprising that sooner or later in the life of any woman there comes a period when she begins to desire motherhood and pregnancy with all her heart. However, men do not always react joyfully to their wife’s desire to have offspring.

You can't blame a man for not wanting to have children. More than half of men once categorically did not want to have children, while according to statistics there are no more than 6-7% of women who are not ready for motherhood. Often men experience the true joy of fatherhood only when they see their child for the first time. And that's okay. But how to awaken in a man the desire to have offspring?

Motivation to have a child

First you need to understand that the motivation for having children is different for men and women.

Expectant mothers begin to dream about how they will carry their baby, feel the movement of new life in the womb, and after birth they will shower all the love, tenderness and care on the little person, lisp with him, feed him and enjoy the surges of tenderness.

Such a picture is unlikely to encourage a man to conceive a child. The future father is more likely to be inspired by the possibility of passing on invaluable knowledge to his heir, thinking about how much and what he can give to his child.

This does not mean that men do not cooze with children, do not show tenderness and do not touch a small part of themselves. All this happens after the birth of the child, and during this period planning is not at all a motivation for a man.

Why doesn't my husband want children?

Women are very emotional creatures. This applies to all areas of life, including the issue of motherhood and starting a family.

Men more rational, think about the situation and make informed decisions. Therefore, if your husband refuses your desire to have a baby, do not rush to get upset. Perhaps his arguments are not without merit.

There can be many reasons why a man does not want to have offspring.

• He worries that the woman will change after the birth of the child.

He once married an attractive, beautiful woman, but now she has gained a lot of weight, has stopped taking care of herself, looks disgusting, and is also running around with an eternally screaming baby in her arms. Every man's worst nightmare.

To prevent a man from thinking that you will neglect yourself with the birth of a baby, start taking care of yourself now. Dress nicely, including at home. Throw away torn robes, stretched sweaters and pants. Even if you are not going to leave the house, wear a neat hairstyle and light makeup. Play sports and give yourself more time. And, of course, smile more and enjoy life.

• He is not sure about a woman or a relationship.

This is unpleasant to realize, but perhaps he simply doubts whether the woman next to him is the right one or that your relationship is strong enough. This case most often occurs among couples living in a civil marriage and in no hurry to legitimize their relationship. But sometimes this also happens in formal families, if relations have recently deteriorated, there have been more quarrels, conflicts and omissions. The child is not glue. Therefore, before having a child, you should understand your relationship.

• He got another one.

Sometimes a man is categorically against a child, because he has one, and he either wants to leave you, or cannot decide in which relationship he is better. It is not worth giving birth in such a situation, because the child often only delays the moment of rupture, which is inevitable.

• He is jealous of his wife's unborn child.

This also happens: a man loves his wife very much, does not want to share her with anyone and perceives the child as a potential rival. The reasons for such jealousy go back to childhood. Perhaps he grew up in a large family, in which his mother began to pay less attention to him after the birth of a younger brother or sister. Well, now you need to convince him with your behavior that he is the “best” of men, do not miss the opportunity to praise him and confess your love. Periodically tell him what a wonderful father he would make.

• He is afraid of children.

Of course, children require a delicate approach, but this is not a crystal vase that is scary to touch again. The best way to dispel your husband's fears is to spend more time with the children of relatives, friends or acquaintances.

• He has health problems.

Your husband's worries are probably not unfounded. It is worth taking this issue seriously, undergoing a full examination by competent specialists, and if necessary, contacting a psychologist. Risking the physical and mental health of your beloved man and unborn child is not the best decision.

• He is afraid of having a sick child.

Nowadays the percentage of unhealthy babies being born is high, and your husband’s concern is completely justified, especially if your family has previously experienced miscarriages or health problems in one of the spouses. The solution to the problem will be the same as in the previous case.

• He is not sure that he has enough money.

If your man is generally not against children, but believes that he needs to earn extra money, buy an apartment and a car, there is no need to panic. You are married to a responsible man who understands that the arrival of a new family member will entail expenses, and sometimes considerable ones. Another question is that the financial issues of modern families are almost never resolved 100%. New goals and financial challenges arise all the time.

Sometimes financial well-being comes after the end of childbearing age or does not come at all. Approach this issue more carefully, discuss the family budget, the possibilities of additional income, how much money you need for the first time after the birth of the baby and how much it will take to buy everything you need. Discuss your immediate financial goals and set deadlines. Agree that after achieving these goals you will definitely have a child.

It would be useful to show your husband living examples of happy families who have achieved financial success after the birth of children.

• He is afraid of losing his freedom.

Sometimes men think that with the advent of a baby their whole life will change. They will never be able to meet with friends, go to a bar or nightclub in the evening, sit in the garage and, in general, live as they please. There is partly some truth in this. Indeed, with the birth of a child, a lot in life changes and fades into the background. But this does not mean that the child now needs to be treated as the main limiter that interferes with life. Many things will still be possible, including having fun and meeting friends.

Try to convey this thought to your lover. However, if a man is completely against taking on any responsibility, this is a serious reason to think about whether it is worth continuing a relationship with such a man.

• He wants to live for himself.

This formulation often hides a common fear of accepting responsibility and change. Now the man is satisfied with his comfortable, predictable life, in which there is only you and him. Calmly discuss your future plans for life with him, ask how long this period will last and when he would like to have a child. It would be great if you can set specific deadlines after which you will return to such a conversation. If you do not come to an agreement, there is no point in waiting for a man for more than a year and a half.

• He doesn't want a serious relationship.

Perhaps he does not consider you as a permanent life partner and considers himself in search of a better option. If so, why would you waste time on such a man?

• He is afraid that his sex life will change for the worse.

The issue of intimacy is important for many men. They don’t want to lose regular quality sex so much that they are ready to give up having heirs. Talk frankly about this topic with your husband, find out what exactly worries him and try to convince him otherwise.

• He knows many unsuccessful examples.

A friend divorced his wife immediately after the birth of the baby, acquaintances often began to quarrel over raising a child, etc. Such examples can easily discourage the desire to have their own children. Provide your spouse with real examples of happy couples with children, visit them more often and communicate. Explain that children do not destroy families, the only question is how the relationship was built before their appearance. If spouses love each other, they have nothing to fear.

• He already has children and doesn't want more.

Sometimes men get married already having children from their first marriage or other relationships. Often this experience was not successful for them and did not bring much happiness, so now they do not want to have children. In addition, he understands perfectly well that a child is a colossal responsibility that requires a large investment of money, emotions and time.

Try to explain to your man how important it is for you to become a mother, that you want children from him and do not feel fully realized as a woman. Feel free to express your emotions, show sadness. If he begins to wonder what is causing your condition, gently answer that you feel like an inferior woman, because you do not have children from the man you love.

Perhaps he will agree to you, and if not, the choice is small: either stay with him and forget about the desire to become a mother, or try to build a full-fledged family with another man.

My husband doesn't want a second child

Sometimes one child is not enough for a woman and she has a desire to have a second baby. A man may well not want this, especially if not much time has passed since the birth of his first child: life has not settled down, loans have not been paid, repairs have not been made, and, in general, there are a lot of problems. In this case, it’s even stupid to insist, because the reluctance to have a child is quite logical.

It’s another matter if several years have passed since the birth of the first child. What is the reason? Perhaps this is one of the above reasons.

Now a man knows from his own experience what he will face, how much time, effort and money he will need to spend, what difficulties lie in the issue of upbringing and education. Considering all these nuances, he may not want a second child. This is normal and he has the right to it. Respect your husband's opinion.

What to do if your husband doesn't want children?

If your husband does not want to have children, the situation can be changed in your favor. To do this, you need to include all feminine wisdom, be soft and gentle.

Below are some tips on how to influence your husband's decision:

1. Determine the true reason for not wanting to have children. Have a heart-to-heart talk, look at the situation between you and your husband and act according to the recommendations.
2. Sometimes it pays to start small. Get a pet. Of course, this is not a child, but an animal will quite help you try on the role of a parent, take responsibility and realize that this is not so scary, and the love and joy of communicating with a living being are priceless.
3. Visit families with children and playgrounds as often as possible. Communication with children can awaken in a man the desire to get his own little one and understand that it is not so scary.
4. Communicate more with each other. And not only on the topic of children. Share your thoughts and experiences with each other, tell us how your day went and what new happened. Sincere conversations strengthen relationships and help you better understand your spouse.
5. Get your priorities right. Remember that for a woman, after her own interests, her husband should come first and only then her children. Otherwise, the family risks becoming unhappy.
6. Limit your desires. Planning a child is not the best time to buy another fur coat, expensive jewelry and other excesses. Let your husband see that you are ready to moderate your appetites for the sake of the child and your joint goals.
7. Don't harass your husband every day. Frequent sexual activity is not very useful and is unusual for the human body, and increased passion may even look strange.
8. Try to be different and surprise your man. Let him once again be convinced of what a bright, unique, stylish personality and attractive woman you are.
9. Look after yourself and take care of yourself. Men love fit and healthy people. But, you see, being well-groomed and attractive is primarily important for you.
10. Show your husband that you are so happy too.

The main mistakes of women

Many people want to become a mother so much that they make many mistakes and ruin their own relationships. What should you not do when persuading your husband to have a child?

• Cheating and getting pregnant in secret! The child must be desired by both parents. If you silently stopped using protection and became pregnant, your husband will not appreciate your step. He will feel deceived and will rightly think that even in such important matters as the birth of children, no one really takes him into account. As a result, the relationship will crack and will not last long. After all, deception is not very favorable soil for the birth of children.
• Don't make a scandal and don't reproach your husband. Shouting, demands, and reproaches will not help in this case. You will only strengthen your husband’s reluctance to have children and sow doubts in him about your readiness to have a child.
• To withdraw into oneself, to be offended, to speak in hints, to distance oneself. Often women do not directly talk about their desire to have a child. They choose an allegorical manner, give hints to their husband, tell stories about happy pregnant friends and are very offended when the husband does not understand their hints, regarding this as an unwillingness to have children.
• Give ultimatums, blackmail, threaten. The child must appear in the family by mutual decision. It is very stupid to try to manipulate and force someone to take your side. Even if the husband agrees, the baby risks becoming unloved and the relationship will fall apart.
• Accusing a man of not wanting to have children. He is a free person and has the right not to want children.
• Having a child to cement the relationship. If the relationship is falling apart at the seams and things are approaching separation, having children to keep a man is extremely wrong. Children can only strengthen already harmonious and happy relationships. In other cases, they will not keep a man and will not change your relationship with each other.
• Expect quick results. A person needs time to reconsider his attitude, change his own and accept your point of view, and in the end just think, because you had time to think about it, and you dumped everything on him in one conversation. Let him get used to this idea, think it over alone, and perhaps then he will change his mind.
• Show rigidity and categoricalness. These are masculine qualities that are unusual for a woman. And if a man notices them in your behavior, he is unlikely to make concessions.
• Insist on conceiving children if the husband has obvious health problems. Don't be selfish. This behavior can cause serious harm to your husband, your relationship, you and the child if he is born.
• Talking about children right after the wedding. Let the man get comfortable with the role of a new husband.

Children are a wonderful part of family life and a natural stage in the development of relationships. They should be given birth only by mutual desire, so that the newborn child becomes the fruit of your love and happiness.

A practical psychologist about the problem of men not wanting to have children. Advice for women.

Useful articles:

Every man has his own explanation for not wanting to have children. But still, psychologists have compiled the top 4 most common reasons why representatives of the stronger sex are in no hurry to have a child. The rift in the relationship between husband and wife can also concern...

Reason #1 - fear of responsibility

The most obvious reason that most men hide behind is their unwillingness to completely devote their lives to a child. In most cases, as psychologists note, this reason is decisive for those representatives of the stronger sex who grew up without a father or had problems with him.

Such men do not have a clear example of a real father who raises his child with all the love and desire. The man simply did not learn basic care from the example of his own dad.

Another reason for fear of responsibility is that a man is worried that he will not be able to properly raise his future son or daughter. The main thing is that the desire is still present, and fears can be removed by communicating with married couples who already have small children. A clear example will eventually relieve your chosen one from the fear of responsibility.

Reason number 2 - he is not sure that he loves you

Of course, realizing this reason is not easy for every woman. But still, if a man refuses the issue of procreation for a long time, it is worth considering whether he has doubts that he wants to have a child, but not from you. Psychologists say that many men do not want to have children simply because they are not sure whether they want to be associated with the woman who is now nearby for the rest of their lives.

It happens that a man takes a girl as his wife, believing that she is the One, but time passes and doubts creep in whether he made the right choice. These doubts are the reason for the reluctance to have children. A woman must definitely resolve this issue. Why waste time and try to give birth to a person who is not sure if he really loves you?

Reason No. 3 - the spouse will become unkempt

One of the most commonplace reasons for not wanting to have a child is the fear that after the birth of the baby the wife will stop taking care of her appearance, reports JoeInfo journalist Karina Kotovskaya. This fear can also be reinforced by a clear example from a familiar couple, in which the wife at first shone in all her glory, but after the birth of the baby she gained weight and became unkempt.

This problem is justified, because many women really stop paying due attention to their appearance in the first years of caring for the baby. However, both men and women should understand that beauty is not everything. Procreation is natural and very touching. And with quality support from her husband and help with the baby, a woman can not only be responsible, but also a beautiful young mother.

If your husband does not want to have a child for this reason alone, then it is worth convincing him that you realize that you want to be both a good mother and a worthy wife.

Reason #4 - not the first baby

This situation is somewhat more problematic than the first three. If your husband has already been married before and has experience as a father, then this may be the reason for his reluctance to have a baby. If a man has formed the picture that the marriage broke up precisely because of the birth of a baby, then it will not be easy to convince him to have a child in a new tandem.

In such a situation, a woman must be wise and understanding. You need to gradually and carefully hint to your spouse that in your case, the birth of a baby will only strengthen the marriage. But as for the “keys” to the heart of your chosen one, only you know which approach will be most effective.

Remember that a man is your life partner, teacher and friend. Hysterics and scandals can only achieve pity and negativity from him. But if you connect all your femininity and love, you can not only have a long-awaited baby!

Many couples prefer to plan the birth of a child by discussing this issue in advance. From a psychological point of view, pregnancy begins precisely with the decision about the possibility of adding to the family. But it often happens that the husband does not want the money. Then the woman faces the question: “What should I do? Maybe make a decision on your own and confront it with a fact?”

However, the birth of a child is a process in which not only the expectant mother is involved, but also her man and the baby himself, which is why it is so important to come to an agreement and make a mutual decision. Otherwise, the consequences can be very negative both for the woman herself and for the unborn child, not to mention family relationships. After all, it may happen that, being not ready for fatherhood, but presented with a fact, a man will feel betrayed and completely withdraw, which will affect both the psychological state of the woman and the relationship between the spouses (up to the possibility of remaining a single mother).

Thus, an important task for a woman who has decided to become a mother is to prepare her spouse for the idea of ​​pregnancy, discuss this issue and jointly decide to have a child. The most important question remains to be answered: how to do this?

What is pregnancy for a man?

First of all, a woman should think about the fact that men, for the most part, are somewhat different in themselves: they are more rational, pragmatic, calculating than women. And, perhaps, these qualities are most clearly manifested in such an important issue as pregnancy planning .

Usually, pregnancy becomes the next stage in the development of relationships, after the formation of a family (and it is not so important whether these relationships are formalized), a new peak that brings mutual satisfaction and happiness to the spouses... However, a woman often comes to the idea of ​​pregnancy intuitively, just at one fine moment realizing that she needs a child. A man needs time to think about his feelings and desires, a joint future and inevitable changes; it is important for him to weigh the pros and cons, evaluate and make a rational decision.

On the other hand, when planning a pregnancy among representatives of the stronger sex, the emotional component is also actively involved. A man may be afraid of changes occurring with his beloved, changes in the already established way of life of the family, in attitude towards him and in intimate life... Sometimes men are afraid for their freedom and independence, they are afraid of losing their influence and control. And in an effort to make a mutual decision about the birth of a child, a woman needs to take into account such features of male psychology, understanding and accepting them. Otherwise, criticism, excessive pressure and pressure, reproaches and daily persuasion will have the opposite effect, alienating spouses from each other and destroying their relationship.

Anna and Sergei got married a year ago and were quite happy in their marriage. Both are already quite mature and self-sufficient people who have managed to arrange their lives and careers. Anna began to think seriously about children, believing that their family had all the conditions for having a child, but this issue was never raised “at the family council.” “I can’t be the first to talk to him about this topic - I’m waiting for him to say that he would like a child. But he is silent... I tried to hint, paid attention to the kids on the street, but he just smiles back and doesn’t react at all. I really want a child, but I’m afraid of his refusal.” Anna became irritable, touchy, quarrels became more frequent in the family, and the spouses began to move away from each other.

In many families, a situation often arises when spouses, for some reason, cannot talk openly with each other, and in most cases this concerns significant issues, such as pregnancy. Conversations with hints, ambiguous phrases, “thinking out” thoughts and desires for your partner, the belief that the other person himself must guess and understand what you want to tell him, lead to an incorrect interpretation of each other’s actions. In relationships, “understatement”, mistrust and coldness arise. The spouses feel that they no longer understand each other. A vicious circle arises.

This is the prospect of developments in Anna’s situation if her policy towards her husband remains unchanged. After all, it is impossible to come to a mutual decision if the issue itself has not been clearly and clearly voiced. It seems to her that her desires lie on the surface and should be clearly understood by the man she loves, and if he is in no hurry to fulfill them, it means he doesn’t want to, and ignores them. Hence the resentment, irritation, and unnecessary quarrels. However, we are all different people with different ways of thinking. The first thing Anna should think about is that her husband may not understand her hints because he is not thinking about children at the moment and does not know about her desire to have a child, but this does not mean that he does not want children.

First, a woman needs to openly discuss this issue with her husband, talking about her feelings and emotions, while maintaining the most calm and sincere tone. The main thing is to structure the conversation in such a way that the husband appreciates his importance in the matter of family planning. First, you should indicate your desire and emotions, for example: “I have been thinking about having a baby for a long time, but I don’t know how you feel about it. You don't talk about it, and I'm afraid you don't want to. That’s why I became so nervous and irritable.” It is very important to remind how important the husband’s position is, his opinion: “We must make this decision together, I want our child to be a joy for both of us.” And the most important thing is to say what Anna expects from her husband, what she really wants to get from the conversation (men love specifics): “I want to know how you feel about us having a baby, and I would like to discuss it now...” By conducting a conversation according to this scheme, Anna will be able to restore a trusting atmosphere in her relationship with Sergei, convey to him her desires and clarify his position regarding the birth of the baby.

The husband is not against the child, but...

Lisa and Andrey met when they were very young, and from then on they considered themselves family. We went through all the difficulties together, got an education, built a career... A few years later we got married, rented an apartment, Andrei began to do his favorite job. They both wanted a child, but they were waiting until they could “rise up” and provide for more than just themselves. Meanwhile, Lisa began to understand more and more clearly that she was missing a tiny creature to take care of, but Andrei still believed that they could not bear a child.

To begin with, it is worth noting that in Liza’s situation there are some positive aspects that can later be built on. Firstly, both spouses have a potential desire to become parents, i.e. for the husband, the idea of ​​fatherhood is not obviously negative. Secondly, we can say that communication in the family is not disrupted. The spouses discuss the idea of ​​pregnancy, the husband is ready to express his position and, what is important, clearly names the reasons that, from his point of view, do not allow them to have a child yet. Lisa’s further behavior will depend on these reasons.

In the described case, the husband names a fairly objective barrier to parenthood for this family – financial difficulties. These circumstances are real and in fact can complicate both the pregnancy period and the first time of life with the baby, so Andrey shows an adult and responsible position by postponing the birth of the child. Like a true man, he strategically thinks through the future of the family, so it would be worth listening to his arguments. However, this situation is dangerous because in the modern world, for the average family, material problems are practically not eliminated one way or another. The husband’s desire to achieve good career growth and arrange the family’s life before having children is completely justified and understandable, but Lisa feels that their couple needs development, since they have been together for a long time. Therefore, in this case, the spouses can be advised to first of all discuss what it means to “not pull a child”, whether this is actually the case or many of the benefits that Andrei outlined are not so important for the baby and are secondary. For example, it would be nice to have a stable job and a suitable apartment, even a rented one, before the birth of a child, to calculate the real costs associated with the addition of another family member... But it is hardly logical to delay the birth of a child until purchasing a car. Lisa’s task in this situation is to show what exactly they need for the child, and agree to wait until these goals are achieved, and also to convince her husband that they will also have everything else, but with the baby.

Husband versus child: a lot of excuses

Lately, small quarrels have often begun to arise in Yana’s family over a future pregnancy: “Kostya is constantly stalling for time. It seems that everything has already been decided, all the necessary tests have been completed, and we even lead a healthy lifestyle, but as soon as it comes to the decisive step, he always has some reason to wait some more. I can’t stand this uncertainty anymore.”

Most likely, in this situation, the man is not yet ready to become a father, therefore, claiming that he wants to have a child, and even taking distant steps in this regard (for example, medical research when planning a pregnancy), he is constantly looking for many excuses, postponing pregnancy “for Then". The reason for looking for plausible excuses is the inability to express one’s true attitude towards fatherhood due to the social condemnation of reluctance to have children and insufficient trust in the relationship between spouses. Therefore, first of all, Yana can be advised not to put pressure on her husband, but to gently push him into a confidential conversation, when he could psychologically relax and show his true attitude towards the thought of a child, and not the attitude accepted in society. Then it would become clear in what light he sees fatherhood, what aspects he considers negative in a future pregnancy and life with the baby, and what, in his opinion, he will lose. It is important for Yana to recognize her husband’s right to experience these negative feelings and that he may not be ready to be a father now; he needs to give him time to form this readiness. But Yana may well help to ensure that readiness for parenthood develops faster.

You should not issue ultimatums and blame your husband every day: this will only strengthen his negative feelings. Yana needs to show that her love for Kostya has not disappeared anywhere: “I understood what you are afraid of and that you are not yet ready for the birth of a child, and I am glad that we figured it out. But I love you and I want your child and I hope that over time you will change your mind.” Yana needs to continue to develop the topic of children, gradually instilling confidence in her husband and creating a positive image of a future together with the baby. It would not be amiss to pay attention to those Kostya qualities that would characterize him as a good father. Unpleasant and disturbing moments for the husband also need to be discussed, but not unfoundedly convincing him that “everything will be wrong,” but by giving examples of friends, expert opinions, scientific data and accurate calculations.

My husband doesn't want a child

For Igor, marriage with Natalya is his second attempt to create a family. They have been together for about five years, but Igor still shows a categorical reluctance to have children. For Natalya, this topic became especially painful after visiting a doctor, who said that her chances of giving birth to a healthy child remained less and less. “I know that Igor was initially against children, and that used to suit me. But now I understand that I really want a baby. I love my husband, but I don’t know how to convince him..."

Typically, the decision to have a child is a natural desire of a couple at a certain stage in the development of the relationship, when the “absorption” of each other fades away somewhat. Then the spouses feel the need for further development, to continue their love in the child. If, quite a long time after the formation of a family, one of the spouses is ready to have a child, but the other does not want this, it is necessary to find out the reasons and try to find a compromise for further relations.

If initially both spouses planned to have children together, but then the position of one of them (usually a man) changed, and in a categorical form (“I don’t want to have a child”), this may indicate a breakdown in the relationship. It often happens that a woman, subconsciously feeling the growing tension in the family, strives to give birth to a child in order to strengthen the marriage, but a man, also reacting to changes in relationships, cannot decide to take such a step. In this case, the woman needs to understand that a child is not a means of solving the problem, and in a growing conflict situation, its appearance will only aggravate the tension. First, you need to improve relationships in the family, restore a comfortable atmosphere on your own or with the help of specialists, and then raise the issue of children.

In the situation of Igor and Natalya, the man agreed in advance on the moment of pregnancy planning and warned about his position, so he cannot be accused of “deceiving expectations” or “destroying hopes.” And first of all, Natalya should explain to her husband what has changed in her attitude to this issue, in addition to her feelings, citing objective facts, such as a doctor’s opinion. It is important to convey to the man that they may lose the very opportunity to have a child, and how difficult it will be for Natalia.

If in this case Igor remains adamant, most likely he has serious reasons for such a decision. Perhaps he knows about some of his unfavorable heredity, which can be passed on to the child, or he had a painful experience of fatherhood and is afraid of a repetition. In any case, Natalya can be advised to delicately find out the reasons for this position not only from Igor himself, but also from his relatives, and try to find out the history of his previous marriage. It is important to reorient your husband from the position of “I won’t have children” to the position of “I have reasons not to want a child,” then these problems can be dealt with together.

Natalya should talk to her husband not only about her desire to have a child, but also about his feelings, convince him that she understands them and is ready to seek a compromise, but hopes for the same understanding of her needs. Perhaps spouses should put off talking about children for a while, so as not to aggravate the conflict situation in the family, and at this time visit specialists who could help understand the reasons for not wanting to have a child (psychologist, geneticist, family planning specialist). You can also advise Natalya to ease the pressure on Igor, but ask him to go with her to her doctor so that he can get first-hand information. The opinion of an authoritative specialist can for the first time make a man doubt the correctness of his point of view. The main thing is to begin to further resolve the issue of children.

Basic mistakes

Very often you can hear the following phrase from women: “My husband doesn’t want a child, how can I persuade him?” Here are a few principles that women should consider in their behavior:

• It is important to try to understand what motivates your husband, accept him for who he is, and show him your understanding.
• You should not threaten what will happen if your husband does not agree with you; it is better to paint a beautiful picture of the future that awaits you if he meets you halfway.
• Don't expect instant results. A person needs time for your position, which is initially alien to him, to become his desire.
• Rigidity and categoricalness are bad helpers. Be flexible and look for compromises. It is important to find those points where your and your husband’s interests coincide at least partially. For example, if your husband now dreams not of a child, but of a new car, consider this as preparation for the birth of a baby and agree to buy a family-type car. And even if your and your husband’s points of view regarding the child are radically opposite, you are probably both interested in maintaining and improving your relationship. Therefore, agree on the period for which you are willing to postpone pregnancy plans.

The birth of a child is a great happiness and a huge responsibility, therefore, in order for pregnancy to be enjoyable for both partners, and for the child to be born in love and harmony, it is worth making considerable efforts!

Not all couples raise the issue of children before marriage. You have already had a wedding a long time ago, lived “for yourself”, and it would seem that it’s time to think about a child. And then it turns out that the husband does not want a child. If you are also closer to thirty, and your biological clock is ticking faster and faster, it’s time to panic. But there is no need to panic. After all, this will not solve the problem. Some women resort to cunning, become pregnant without their husband’s consent and present him with a fait accompli. But this is unlikely, which were already overshadowed by long and tedious disputes over children. If a man doesn't want a child, there must be a reason. Your task is to find out and try to dispel your spouse’s doubts. It is unlikely that his reluctance arose out of nowhere.

Some women, faced with a similar problem, begin to wonder whether men want children at all? In most cases, yes. Men who don't want them at all are quite rare. Simply - “not now.” Let's try to figure out together why not now, and what to do about it.

Why men don't want children

There are quite a lot of reasons why the stronger half of humanity is in no hurry to have children. Below are the most common of them.

The first reason is financial. The arrival of a new family member is fraught with expenses, and this is inevitable. And the new mother will also be on maternity leave. Perhaps the man is worried that he will not be able to provide his family with everything they need. Or he thinks that he needs to wait for a better financial situation, the opportunity to purchase a larger apartment, and so on. But it is unknown how long you will have to wait. Most likely, the spouse is exaggerating his hypothetical expenses. After all, the baby doesn’t care at all how much money his parents spend on him. The main thing is that they love him and take care of him, which means that a couple with almost any income can become parents (we do not consider extremes, when the situation is so deplorable that the spouses cannot provide the basic necessities for themselves). Let's say you have an apartment, your husband is able to pay for it while you are on maternity leave, and also provide food for you and the child. You should convince your husband that you don’t need to spend exorbitant sums on a dowry for your baby. In the end, you can buy a used crib and stroller, children's clothes are often given to young parents by friends and acquaintances whose children have already grown out of them, but toys and diapers are not the most expensive things in the world.

Reason two: the man believes that you are not ready to become a responsible mother. Perhaps you are behaving too childishly and capriciously, and he is afraid that he will have two children - a newborn and you? Show your husband that you have “grown up.” In all situations, try to behave seriously and judiciously. If conflicts arise, resolve them not by scandals, but by finding a compromise.

Reason three: your spouse is afraid that after the birth of your baby you will stop caring about your appearance. No matter what they say about the inner world, a man still loves with his eyes! And it is not uncommon for a woman to devote all her time to her child. Let him know that you love yourself just the way you are and will not allow your attractiveness to fade, you will continue to take care of yourself. Maybe not as intensely as before, but don’t let yourself go, don’t turn into a dull person in a washed-out robe, with greasy hair, hairy legs and broken nails. Yes, you will have to make not double, but triple efforts to cope with everything and have time to take care of your appearance without detriment to the baby, but who said that it will be easy? Are you ready for this!

Reason four: the husband is afraid that with the birth of the child his income will increase, and he will be incredibly tired (after all, he also needs to work to provide for his family). Firstly, the times when young parents were exhausted, washing mountains of diapers are long gone. Now there are a huge number of inventions that make life easier for new mothers and fathers. Second, discuss parenting responsibilities before you plan to have a baby. For clarity, you can even make a list. Talk about which procedures dad should participate in and which ones you can handle on your own. When a man specifically represents the “front of work,” the role of a father will no longer seem so tiresome and troublesome to him.

Reason five: your spouse is afraid of a lack of attention on your part. Indeed, some young mothers completely dissolve in their child, forgetting that their husband also needs them. Try to convince your husband otherwise by surrounding him with care even before the planning stage of the baby.

Reason six: the husband thinks that with the birth of a child his freedom will be significantly limited. This issue should definitely be discussed. Yes, after the birth of your baby your life will change. But, firstly, you will not always be limited in free time. The child will grow up and everything will change. When the baby turns two years old, you can take him with you on picnics and on vacation. In addition, grandparents will come to the rescue, and you and your spouse will be able to find time for yourself. Secondly, you are not going to wall up your husband at home - although not as much as before, he will still be able to devote time to his friends and hobbies.

Reason seven: a man is afraid of children. But this problem needs to be solved with a psychologist! A good specialist will help your spouse cope with this. All that remains is to convince my husband to go to the appointment...

Reason eight: you are not the heroine of his novel. Perhaps this person does not see a future with you. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you will be able to fix anything in this situation. Most likely, you will have to break up and meet changes and a man who will want children from you.

My husband doesn't want a second child

What to do if you already have one baby and you want a second one, but your spouse doesn’t? The same thing: find out the reason. Maybe the first child was unplanned, and the man is simply not ready for the second yet. Or maybe, again, it’s about money - your spouse is afraid that you simply won’t be able to handle another baby. In this case, it is necessary to describe in detail all possible expenses associated with the addition of another family member. In most cases, it turns out that fears were exaggerated. In addition, do not forget that you already have many necessary things - you bought them for your first child.

Or, perhaps, when your first child was born, your husband felt significant inconvenience: you stopped taking care of yourself and pleasing him with your appearance, you paid little attention to your spouse, you had complications from your first pregnancy, and he is afraid for you... Whatever a man’s doubts, their we need to find out and try to dispel it. The main thing is not to remain silent, but to discuss and try to find a solution that suits both.

The desire to have a second child must be conscious. Some women, when the situation in the family is tense, relationships are not going well at all, hope to save the marriage by giving birth to another baby. But you shouldn’t do this: the birth of a child is associated with certain difficulties and troubles, and, perhaps, they will only escalate the situation.