Should I divorce my alcoholic husband? There is no more strength: how to divorce an alcoholic husband and go through a divorce painlessly Inappropriate behavior of a man

Very rarely does a woman break up with her alcoholic husband without wasting her energy; more often she tries to help him: she persuades him to stop drinking, to get into the cold, promises help in starting a new life... and does not think about herself. Why is this happening?

If we look more closely at the lives of women who connected their lives with an alcoholic, we will see the same pattern: her parents had no time for her, and she was very tried to earn love with help. Maybe her mother raised her alone and couldn’t pay enough attention, maybe her mother herself was unhappy, trying to achieve her husband’s love... And the girl grew up and grew up with the conviction that love must be earned by perfection and help, then she will be appreciated and loved.

It is very difficult, even impossible, for a child to accept that his parents treat him poorly, do not help him, and behave irresponsibly. He definitely needs to find a loophole: “I’ll be good, and they’ll love me!”, but I won’t notice the bad. This psychological defense mechanism is called denial, it makes life easier due to the fact that the problem is not noticed and mental pain is not recognized, but in the long term, denial does not lead to anything good.

Karpman's Bermuda Triangle

In such a family, relationships follow the Karpman triangle. The child is appointed either as an unfortunate Victim, who is offended by everyone, or as a Persecutor, who is to blame for the fact that his parents feel bad, or as a Savior, capable of doing good for everyone. The most dangerous thing is that in this triangle everyone acts in accordance with imposed roles, no one takes responsibility for their life.

The victim thinks: “I feel bad, but if He behaves differently, I will feel good...”; The persecutor exposes and eradicates the shortcomings of others, seeks apologies and promises - if the apologies satisfy him - he becomes a Savior, ready to save the unfortunate in trouble. But woe to the unfortunate one if he is not saved the way the Savior wants - the Savior immediately becomes a Persecutor, criticizing and putting him in his place, or a Victim who spent so many years of his life saving this terrible person!

You see what happens: in this triangle, everyone depends on the other - the Victim cannot save herself, but wants to be saved correctly; The persecutor spends himself on eradicating the shortcomings of others; The Savior saves someone who, perhaps, will perfectly save himself if he gets down to business.

You definitely need to jump out of this triangle: as soon as they start criticizing you, there is no need to make excuses, you can simply say: “You explain so well how it should be done - you’ve got the cards in your hands!” Don't settle for an imposed role! But for this you need to be able to see Karpman's triangle from the side– and it is almost impossible for a person who has participated in it all his life to do this himself. Psychotherapy helps in this case, and... a good friend with life experience who can see and show what is happening. But not everyone is so lucky; finding a good psychotherapist is much easier. And even if you have a friend, you still need a psychotherapist.

And so our sweet, understanding woman always helps friends and relatives, then naturally meets a person needing help- and rushes to the rescue, because she used to helping. In addition, the role of a lifesaver is also socially approved, everyone admires selfless and kind people - and everyone can’t be wrong! His addiction to a glass does not frighten her, she firmly believes that with her help he will improve. She helps him in everything: she can pay off his debts, offer him to move in with her if he lives with his parents, etc. She again feels bad in close relationships, just like it was in the family, and just like before, she tries not to notice this, seeing no other way out.

What about a husband with alcoholism?

And a partner with alcoholism also depends on alcohol.

Alcoholism- not a weak character, not a whim, but serious illness He is treated by psychiatrists specializing in addiction medicine (narcology psychiatrists). In addition, alcoholism can be accompanied by various personality disorders or comorbid (occurring in parallel) mental illnesses.

Alcoholic due to illness and often due to a co-occurring personality disorder incapable of love and emotional intimacy. And his wife had no place to develop this ability; she needed to somehow survive, not paying attention to her feelings. And now she is not aware of her true feelings, she distorts them, especially if they do not fit into the picture of an ideal family.

Divorce for the sake of children - pros and cons

It’s difficult for children with her: when they ask for help, she tries not to hear, not to notice, reinterprets everything that was told to her... as best she can, she fights for a calm existence.

It’s important to understand here: it’s very difficult for our heroine to give up such a life. Skill deny the obvious, not noticing her feelings, the ability to manipulate them does not allow her to see the seriousness of the situation. She does not want to admit that she was never able to save the alcoholic, did not become good enough and omnipotent. But it’s impossible to jump out of the Karpman triangle and start taking care of yourself without excessive dedication - she considers this position to be selfish.

In our society they still believe that the family must be preserved for the sake of the children. But children don’t really listen to their parents; they listen much more imitate. And no matter how much my mother verbally condemns my father’s alcoholism, if she lives with him, justifies his actions as a disease, covers him up in front of other people - children copy this behavior. Divorce in such a situation– a way to take care of children, don't give them this script. Otherwise, it will be just as difficult for the children as it once was for their mother. If the parents divorce when the children are already teenagers, they will not internalize the parental model of the family.

The most important thing for all people living with an alcoholic is to learn to understand themselves, don't deny your feelings, understand what the Karpman triangle is, and not give in to invitations to such relationships. Learn emotional intimacy, be able to recognize denial as a psychological defense against an unbearable situation and not succumb to it. Finally, learn to distinguish your goals, your desires from others. This is very painstaking work; the best and fastest way to go through this path is with a psychotherapist.

After divorce, everything is just beginning!

But divorce itself is not a panacea: now the woman needs to heal mental trauma, but learn to take care of yourself, not only about others, accept help other people. She had not been taught this before, but she could handle it if she turned to a psychotherapist for help. And there is no need to be ashamed of this, a psychotherapist is a common helping profession. We go to doctors, and we prefer to get our hair cut at barbers. So let a professional take care of your soul, not your best friend.

In psychotherapy, such a woman will be taught to understand the difference between helping a person, which does not destroy the one who helps, and help as salvation. When women (or men) take responsibility for the fate of an adult and put off their lives “for later.” While they help men, they risk creating relationships with men with personality deviations and dependence, determined to only “take” and demand “care and obedience.” And when will a woman learn embrace self-care without awkwardness and herself be very careful with– dependent men will leave on their own; such women are useless to them.

During psychotherapy, wives of alcoholics (and husbands of women suffering from alcoholism) will be able to deal with negative child-parent programs and codependency in relationships. Yes, a man can also enter into such a relationship, he is also a person, and can struggle with the same problems.

When is it possible to correct the situation and save the family?

If you are lucky and your loved one is still at the beginning of the illness, the stage that was previously called domestic drunkenness, and he does not have a personality disorder, you can try to cope. You will need consultations with a narcologist and a personal psychotherapist for your husband. And, since the woman has her own mental traumas, it was because of them that she entered into such a relationship - she also needs a psychotherapist. Their married couple did not have a truly close relationship - and now, in order not to run away from building a normal relationship from scratch, it would be good for the couple to also go to psychotherapy. If the children are already grown up, they will also need a psychotherapist.

If everything is much more serious, the patient has the first, second or third stage alcoholism, personality disorder, perhaps a personality disorder as a mask for severe mental disorders - the likelihood of anything being corrected is almost zero. In any case, if a person starts drinking, he needs to consult a narcologist, and not waste energy trying to cope “grandmother’s ways.” We must take life into our own hands, including by asking for help in a timely manner. We hope you have enough mental strength and courage for this.

Unfortunately, many men in today's society suffer from alcoholism. Every person has the right to live as he wants - only he is responsible for his life. But... what if such a person has a wife and children?

The wife of a person addicted to alcohol is also addicted, according to psychologists. First of all, from her own husband, because she needs to give him attention and time. She is used to living in a constant struggle for her husband; she cannot imagine life without this eternal struggle.

Many women are fed up with this, because you wouldn’t wish such a life on your enemy: sniffing at your husband every day to see if he’s drunk, sitting on pins and needles every day and wondering when he’ll lose his temper? The wife of such a man has to limit herself to visiting those companies in which people gather at the same table and drink strong drinks. The wife of an alcoholic constantly controls his life and all its smallest details: where he was, with whom, what he did, etc.

Of course, living with an alcoholic is unbearable, but how to find a way out of this situation?

Sometimes, in a moment of despair, a woman with such a problem thinks that death is better than such an existence - without a future, without the support of a man. Wives fight for their husbands and with their husbands. Basically, all such couples tried coding, went through hypnosis, took pills, and were treated by a psychotherapist. All these measures are useless, because only the alcoholic himself can help himself.

If you find the strength in yourself, then be sure to break up with such a husband - once and for all - do not live with stupid dreams that your husband will soon be cured, that you will have a happy and fulfilling family. Many wives think, what will happen to my husband if I leave him, how will he live? The worst has already happened, and you do not have the right to ruin the life of yourself and, most importantly, your children. When leaving, you shouldn’t make a scandal and say something harmful: “You ruined my whole life, you ruined all my youth” - this will only bring despair to your spouse and make him drink even more. Moreover, many alcoholics are quite aggressive, and after such words they can easily answer you, only not with a word, but with a fist. The “softest” option in such cases is to move away slowly, gradually, but clearly following your goal.

If you don’t find the strength to start a new life, then be patient - you have no other choice. Remember that there are no former alcoholics: there is a long period of remission. You will always live as if on a volcano: peace in your home will be a rare guest. It's time to break up with this alcoholic!

The green serpent destroyed entire civilizations, let alone individual families.. The fight against alcoholism does not bring pleasure either to those who are susceptible to this disease, or to those who want to help their loved ones.

After trying all the methods, begging, cursing, giving ultimatums, you finally gave up. And you don’t have to reproach yourself for this - the man you once loved made a choice not in your favor, so it's time to start living for yourself. But how to part with an alcoholic when your mental strength is already running low?

Last chance

You are determined to stop all the horror that you observe in your life. Give your husband an ultimatum that involves a complete abstinence from alcohol. It is unlikely that he will tie the knot, but you will know for sure that you did everything possible to save the marriage. Do not listen to his threats, reproaches, appeals to your pity. If his drunkenness has reached the fourth stage, you will no longer get him out of it. Only a strong shock, which can be your departure, can force him to change his life and begin to get rid of addiction.

Don't take his word for it if he promises you not to drink anymore. The main condition is treatment. Let him go to a drug treatment clinic, cleanse his blood, do coding, etc. Give a clear trial period, after which you will leave if he does not recover.

Ask people for help

A chronic alcoholic no longer controls himself. Close people mean no more to him than his addiction. If he is not given the next dose of alcohol, he is capable of assault, threats, and doing terrible things. This tyranny is difficult to cope with, especially when a man has great physical strength and is naturally inclined to aggression. Any words about divorce make him angry and he intimidates the woman, not giving her the opportunity to free herself from the unbearable burden.

Do you recognize yourself? You can’t handle it alone, but the whole world can defeat him. If a person stronger and more authoritative than your spouse comes to your defense, the problem will be solved. Try contacting the police. Despite all the bias towards the servants of the law, there are those among them who can find justice for an alcoholic. If not him, turn to your friends. Surely among his acquaintances there are adequate people who empathize with you.

Other options: human rights organizations, his or your employees, charities. Among the volunteers who search for missing people, there are many indifferent, physically strong men who will help you in your nightmare situation. Know that you can change your life, you do not owe anything to this man who betrayed everyone and everything for the sake of his passion. You need to stop saving your marriage, it's time to think about yourself and your children. They definitely don’t need to live next to a person who is constantly in a drunken stupor.

In the legal environment, divorce is a formal procedure that ends the existing relationship between a husband and wife. In life, everything is much more complicated, because the divorce process is inextricably linked with negative emotions and bitter experiences. This is especially true in situations where divorce occurs due to alcoholism.

Divorce: the end of the old life and the beginning of a new life

Both adult family members and young children participate in the divorce process. And the lives of these people can be irrevocably changed if the slightest mistake is made during the trial process. But no one will emerge victorious from this case; each participant will have a bitter imprint.

Divorce means the destruction of a family and a change in the children’s usual lifestyle. Someone is able to quickly recover from a breakup and change their life for the better. And for such people, breaking up a previous relationship in a family where the spouse often drank seems like a magical salvation rather than a mistake.

Reasons for divorce

Often, alcoholism is the reason for the breakdown of relationships. In addition, there are other reasons for divorce:

cheating spouse;
dissatisfaction in bed;
dissatisfaction at the mental level;
incompatibility of partners.

And often many people are ready to forgive betrayal and maintain marital relationships, but with an alcoholic husband everything is different. It’s rare that someone manages to change the situation and make sure that their spouse doesn’t drink.

For many women, a drinking husband causes more problems than one who cheats. After all, alcoholism is associated with constant absences and sprees of the spouse. On this basis, endless conflict situations, domestic quarrels, scandals and assault arise in the family.

A drinking person gradually degrades

Alcoholism irrevocably leads a person to degradation. He gradually loses the social norms and values of society, has an inadequate attitude towards reality and is not responsible for his actions and actions.

Violence due to alcoholism

Often in a family where the husband drinks, you can encounter violence. There are wives who are accustomed to their position as victims and do not seek to break the thread connecting them with their spouse. Forgetting about themselves and their minor children, they try to show the patient the true path in life, correct his mistakes, and all in vain. Therefore, not every woman decides to take such a responsible step as divorcing a drinker.

In most cases, it is because of the children that they do not dare to divorce, thereby not wanting to leave them without a father. Also, loving wives are afraid that in the event of a divorce, the ex-husband will no longer be able to get out of the abyss of alcoholism and will continue to drink.

Violence in the family of an alcoholic

How to survive a divorce from a drinking husband?

If your husband drinks, then you can’t let the situation get worse; you need to take decisive action. When the disease cannot be eliminated therapeutically, only surgical intervention can help. After all, a drinking husband not only destroys himself as a person, but also causes irreparable harm to those around him. And if this problem does not find a solution, it is necessary to remove it, that is, file for divorce.

After making a decision to break up a relationship, an obvious question arises: how to cope with a turning point in your life, how to survive a breakup with a person who was dear to you? Most women have a fear of change; they are afraid that after a divorce, it is not freedom that awaits them, but a new trap.

Often what prevents you from making the right choice is not so much love affection as fear of change, especially if you have minor children in your arms. A woman should put any of these prejudices out of her head and forget about her husband who drank. It is necessary to accept the fact that you cannot live with an alcoholic and you need to get a divorce. A normal family will not be created here.

One of the most difficult tests that fate can prepare for a woman is divorce from an alcoholic. We can talk a lot about women's patience, love, compassion, and the desire to save the family. You are allowed to doubt, fight, sacrifice yourself. But it is wiser to radically resolve this issue if it arises in your life.

A happy marriage is, first of all, mutual respect, love and understanding between the spouses. The absence of at least one of these “bricks” in the foundation of the family over time presents problem after problem. But, together, any, even the most difficult situations can be overcome more easily. All except one - alcohol addiction.

Usually, the first year of marriage is cloudless. The husband and wife enjoy each other, get used to the new way of life, plan the main stages of coexistence and children. But there are families in which already at this time of romance the question arises related to the attitude towards alcohol. This is a disaster!

Causes

Previous bad habits (including those of a genetic nature) turn out to be stronger than the family aura.
Psychological incompatibility of spouses, scandals, low self-esteem of each, insufficiently high level of cultural development.

Domestic troubles, housing issues, financial insecurity.
Interrupted career growth, disappointment, lack of interest in life.
Beer alcoholism - gambrinism.
Male infertility.
Death of a loved one.

When is it possible to correct the situation and save the family?

The problematic situation that has arisen can and should be corrected. True, given its seriousness. The largest percentage of divorces is due to alcoholism. Despite the fact that it is very difficult to decide to divorce your husband if he drinks quietly, without burdening the family with his behavior. The most important thing is not to waste time.

If it is possible to eliminate the reason that provoked the addiction to relieving stress with alcohol, this is one situation. We survived and forgot. If the habit of drinking is second nature, it is completely different. Alcoholism is a serious disease that affects both body and soul. This is substance abuse, the sister of drug addiction.

To get rid of a terrible illness, you need not only the help of a narcologist or psychologist, but also the desire of the patient himself, his willpower. The incentive for treatment should be a clear awareness that living with an alcoholic is essentially abnormal. Everyone suffers from such a situation. Unhealed mental wounds remain until old age.

Emotional stress, social discrimination, and psychological stress on the wife of an alcoholic are extremely high. A child growing up in a family of a drinking man, against a background of constant conflicts and mutual reproaches, forms a model of antisocial behavior in the future. Pathological character traits and problems communicating with peers arise.

What to pay attention to before divorce

If the husband does not understand the tragedy of the situation, does not want to listen and hear, the problem will grow exponentially. In this case, when deciding whether to correct the situation, you need to take into account:

How often does a husband behave beyond the boundaries of good and evil.
How long does it take to go on a binge?
Is the spouse capable of normal communication and intimacy.
Is he aggressive when intoxicated?
What emotions do family members, especially children, experience? How does this affect their physical and mental health?
Is your loved one religious?
Are you financially independent?

Behavior rules

If there is even a drop of hope to improve the situation, you need to position yourself correctly in communication with your spouse:

Never allow him to insult or humiliate himself. It is necessary to make it clear that you are ready to seek help from the law, family, and church. In the worst case scenario, write a statement to the police.
You cannot cover up his “sins”, protect him from friends, colleagues, or yourself. An alcoholic must learn to take responsibility for his actions if you want to continue living with him.
Don't solve his problems for him. Overcoming is an incentive to get rid of addiction.
Don't let him down, but never humiliate him.
Take care of yourself, grow culturally, communicate with friends, start visiting temple. Orthodoxy and Islam are powerful helpers. Do everything to interest your spouse in your life, social problems, and involve him in them.
Establish communication between your husband and children, do everything so that they help him cope with the disease and do not stop respecting him.
Remove alcohol from the house.

When should you leave your drinking husband?

Deciding to divorce an alcoholic husband is not easy. But if you have exhausted all conceivable and inconceivable methods of resolving the situation, it is simply necessary. For a woman this is a real tragedy. She is sacrificial, in essence, and therefore is ready to endure hardships, material disadvantage, and everyday discomfort for a long time. And forgive.

However, there is a line that cannot be crossed. This is a beating. If your alcoholic husband raises his hand against you, leave him that same day without hesitation. The consequences are not important, what matters is your life and that of your children. Once he hits, he will do it again and again. Breaking up is the only way to avoid tragedy. No options.

The second unconditional reason for divorcing an alcoholic is moral terror. Stress, anticipation of trouble, a feeling of complete confusion, lack of self-confidence. A woman cannot live in such conditions. The situation is aggravated by developing codependency and the need to lie to others. Divorce is the only solution to the problem.

Divorce for the sake of children - pros and cons

It’s probably no secret to anyone that “the weather in the house” is more important to your child than to you. Therefore, if you answer the question about divorce, protecting the interests of children, the answer is clear, and you know it. A child cannot respect a drinking father. He may love him at the subconscious level, but never respect him.

Divorce of parents will bring a lot of suffering to a little person. But wouldn’t the risk of being traumatized by falling under the “hot hand,” constant fear, humiliation, a sense of shame in front of peers, and burning resentment for the abuse of one’s mother tip the scales? Add possible malnutrition, lack of beautiful clothes, and a not at all happy childhood.

In the future, this will most likely turn into aggression due to self-doubt. Of course, if “there is no prophet in his own country,” it is all the more impossible to weigh all the pros and cons of divorcing an alcoholic from the point of view of a child. And yet, when divorcing your drinking husband, remember this:

A child is something that will bind you all your life. Therefore, if your husband still has at least a drop of decency, responsibility, and love, do not interfere with communication between father and child. Naturally, if he is sober, he is not dangerous for the baby, and the child himself is happy to meet you.
Never discredit the father in the eyes of the child. Explain that alcoholism is a disease, divorce is a necessary measure.
Don’t refuse financial help from your ex-husband, but don’t demand the impossible either.
Do not interrupt the connection between the child and the husband's parents.
Surround your child with care and affection, do not impose your experiences on him, create an emotionally favorable atmosphere in a family without a father.

Rules to help you break up with an alcoholic

If a breakup is inevitable, you need to act. Psychologists know how to divorce an alcoholic husband without unnecessary worries and mistakes if he (God forbid!) does not give his consent. They recommend using specific rules of conduct:

The decision must be made irrevocably. Before a divorce, you need to warn your spouse a couple of times (no more!) about a possible separation if he does not give up his addiction. You can even try living temporarily apart. If such measures are futile, leave without looking back.
Remember firmly that promises to improve cannot last forever. If, after receiving forgiveness, drinking does not go away from your life, save yourself before it’s too late.
Don't feel sorry for the alcoholic. He will disappear in any case, with or without you, if he does not part with the bottle.
Think about yourself, your children, their mental and physical state.
Leave home without your spouse. Extra prayers, extra tears. The end is known.

Legal aspects of divorce

In the absence of property claims, divorce does not pose a serious legal problem. The case of divorce is considered and decided by the registry office at the place of residence of the former married couple. Division of property, disputes concerning minor children, payment of alimony are the prerogative of the court. An application is submitted to it.

Traveling with your spouse

Perhaps, in our country, the lack of their own housing is one of the main problems for which women do not dare to divorce a drinking man for a long time. Even if he is a tyrant. However, with a correctly executed, from a legal point of view, application to the court, the problem has several solutions:

If the spouses do not have the funds to purchase separate housing and the husband’s consent to leave, the court has the right to oblige the former married couple to sell the apartment and divide the money from the transaction in equal shares.

A mortgage loan is also not a death sentence. The debt, at the request of one of the spouses, can be divided in court between husband and wife. In this case, the previous mortgage lending agreement is terminated and two new ones are concluded. This practice excludes the parties' liability for each other's insolvency.

If your family rented a room, but you don’t have friends who can shelter you for the first time, this is not a reason to despair. In any city in the country there are services designed to solve such problems. If necessary, they will provide assistance from a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst.

Psychological help after divorce

Going through a divorce from an alcoholic husband is not easy. It is not always possible to assess the damage it caused to the psychological and physical health of loved ones. But the emotional exhaustion of the family is obvious. Considering the continuous attempts of a drinker to contact his wife and children, support after a divorce is extremely necessary.

Specialized social services are called upon to provide this. Their task is to calm down a woman in a state of shock, find temporary housing, place her children in a new school (kindergarten), provide work, assess the safety margin of the emotional sphere, help rehabilitate, and survive a divorce from her alcoholic husband.

There are several such organizations in accordance with the profile of assistance provided:

Center for social assistance to women who have experienced divorce.
Rehabilitation center to support victims of violence.
Center for psychological assistance to children in difficult situations.

Turning to specialists helps to cope with feelings of loneliness, mood swings, and depression. In critical situations - stop suicide attempts. A psychologist will help children and adults in this situation gain self-confidence and restore personal relationships with loved ones and friends.

New life

It is important to start a new life with a clean slate, having managed to turn the page of the past. Psychologists advise:

Eliminate contact with your ex-husband, at least at first.
Organize your time correctly so as not to be alone: study, work, friends, theater, exhibitions.
Sign up for a spa salon, buy a new dress, dye your hair, change your image.
Spend more time with children, parents, and loved ones.
Start swimming in the pool on a regular basis.