How to live alone with a child after divorce? How to survive after divorce. Understanding personal experience Create an atmosphere of emotional safety for children

“Who needs a divorced woman with a child?” ─ this thought comes to the mind of almost every woman who is thinking about divorce. Psychologists tell us how to start building new relationships not from the position of a victim.

Low self-esteem, self-doubt and fear of loneliness - all these feelings a woman experiences after a divorce. In a state of despair, it is very easy to rush into a new relationship. But they most likely will not bring happiness, because the victim most often attracts a classic tyrant.

Olga divorced her husband when her daughter was three years old. A few months later she met Andrei and married him. Olga unconsciously felt a huge sense of gratitude for the fact that Andrei “accepted” her: divorced and, moreover, with a child. She tried to be an ideal wife, and pleased her husband in everything, often stepping on her own throat, fulfilling his wishes. But for some reason the relationship became worse and worse...

Andrei was increasingly dissatisfied with his wife and criticized her for every little thing. The family lived according to his strict rules, like on a powder keg. Olga, as best she could, maintained imaginary well-being and put a smile on her face. But this could not last long. On his next day off, Andrey got ready to go fishing. For the first time, Olga asked her husband to give up fishing and go with her to her daughter’s dance performance. This resulted in a huge scandal: Andrei angrily insulted his wife, repeating how worthless she was in all respects.

Life story

Here is a typical example of a union in which a woman and a child take the position of a victim. In this state, she will definitely attract a tyrant man to her. This role of a companion suits him, so he will carefully control that his wife never gets out of her sacrificial role. Needless to say, such a relationship will not bring happiness. How to start all over again?

Here are instructions that will help a woman with a child survive a divorce as painlessly as possible and set herself up for a new relationship.

Stop beating yourself up

Let getting out of a painful union be the first step on the path of your self-love. You don’t need to blame yourself for not being able to save your family, just as you don’t have to feel bad that you even married this person. Take it as a valuable experience ─ painful, but an experience. You've found out what kind of relationship you definitely don't want, and now you can build things differently.

Explain everything honestly to your child.

Believe me, for children there is nothing worse than imaginary well-being and lies. It happens that parents only pretend that everything is fine in front of the child. They carefully hide their experiences, but children perfectly sense falsehood. If a child sees that his mother is suffering, he may think that he is the reason. Growing up in an atmosphere of mistrust is real torture for children.

This will affect life in the future. Such children usually have low self-esteem, they feel uncomfortable with other people, and have difficulty building their own relationships. Tell your child sincerely about your feelings and events in the family. Explain what you are feeling now and why. Reassure him that both parents love him no matter what.

Love yourself

It may sound cliché, but the first thing you need to do after a divorce is start an affair with yourself. Until you love yourself, a healthy relationship is out of the question. Start listening to your desires that you have suppressed for so long. At first it will be difficult, then it will be easier. Think about what bothers you and what you would like to change in life. Listen and pamper yourself, praise your positive qualities and develop them. When your confidence and self-esteem increase, others will also see your strengths.

The scheme is simple: when you treat yourself with love, a person appears in your life who has the same sincere feelings for you.

A child is not an obstacle to a relationship

It is the child who will help you take a sober look at what kind of person you have met along the way. You can learn a lot about a man's relationship with his child. If he is categorical about the fact that you already have children, this characterizes him as an immature, infantile person. Most likely, he sees the future as ideal, and this means that in any unexpected situation, he will fall into despair and break down. Do you need such a person? Think about how comfortable it will be for you to live with an unreliable man and whether you are ready for his re-education (if it is even possible).

Divorce from a husband, and even more so when there are children in the family, is a severe emotional shock. But even in the most emergency situations, in order not to cause trouble and emerge victorious from the situation, it is very important to remain calm. In this article we present 10 valuable tips from psychologists that will help a woman with children survive a divorce safely.

In a divorce situation, you should first take care of yourself, and then the children. This is in no way selfishness, but a common sense approach to resolving the problem. Only by normalizing your psychological and mental balance can you adequately perceive the world around you. Believe me, first of all, children want to see their mother happy and smiling, and not a tearful and depressed victim mother with dark circles under her eyes.

Understand and accept what is happening to you

According to psychologists, the feelings experienced during a divorce are similar to those experienced when losing a loved one. A woman experiences the same palette of feelings, in the same sequence:

The main thing is to recover from the shock.

1. State of shock - the mind refuses to believe in what is happening.

2. Then comes anger, hatred and anger, attacks of uncontrollable aggression.

3. As soon as the second stage passes, the woman makes attempts to return her beloved, and by any means.

4. At this stage, awareness of what happened comes, which often leads to apathy and depression.

5. The final stage is the acceptance of the situation when a woman understands the inevitability of divorce, comes to terms with reality and thinks about how to live further.

First you need to figure out what stage you are currently at, what you feel and what emotions you are experiencing. This seemingly insignificant step is a big internal progress.

Take a break

The most difficult period after a divorce, called the “shock phase,” lasts about 2-3 months. This time is dangerous because you can make a bunch of mistakes that a person will later regret.

Take a break.

Therefore, in order to prevent this from happening, you should give yourself a time-out. At this time, you cannot make any decisions, much less act. You need to give your psyche and brain time to stabilize, and only then think rationally and carefully.

Try to control your negativity

It is normal to experience a bunch of negative emotions during a divorce, and you should not try to suppress it within yourself and pretend that everything is fine. You need to allow your psyche to go through a difficult period in your life, but do it right.

Let's dose out the negative.

You shouldn't grieve around the clock - learn to manage your emotions. The technique of suffering over time works well. Give yourself a few hours a week to immerse yourself in all your experiences, cry and completely give in to your emotions. But as soon as the time is up, return to normal life.

Bring yourself back to the “here and now”

To make emotional distress easier, it is useful to return yourself to the “here and now” state. As soon as a wave of worries comes, look around and think about what is happening at the moment - how the sun is shining, how the leaves are growing on the trees, how the birds are flying - this will distract the brain. Think about the fact that there is no past and future - there is only the present, the current moment in time. As practice shows, this is a very effective technique that quickly relieves internal tension.

Don't be afraid to ask for help

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Despite the fact that women are naturally weak creatures, it is difficult for them to ask for help and they are ashamed to appear unsuccessful. This is a big mistake that can lead to nervous breakdowns. Therefore, you should not play the role of a mother-heroine and carry all the problems on your fragile shoulders. Do not hesitate to ask for help from acquaintances, relatives and friends. For most people close to you, it will definitely not be a problem to help you, for example, in everyday matters.

Think about your health

When psychological health is at risk, physical health can come to the rescue.

Therefore, try to adjust your work and rest schedule, switch to proper nutrition and take care of your body - walk more often, sign up for a gym or yoga. Physical activity promotes the production of joy hormones, which means stress will be experienced more easily.

Give permission and promise yourself pleasure

Write down on paper everything that brings you pleasure - handicrafts, watching movies, going to cafes with friends, sleeping, cosmetics, shopping, aromatic coffee or something else. It doesn’t matter what it is, the main thing is that it always makes you happy.

Let the coffee always be hot, your soul happy, and the day warm and sunny

Then make a contract with yourself that at least once a week you will give yourself at least one item from the above. The main thing is to keep your promise and not look for reasons why it is impossible to do so.

Now that your own condition has stabilized, take action to help your children.

Do not try to turn the child against the father

The psychology of a child is built in such a way that they perceive themselves as 50% mom, 50% dad, therefore, if you tell them that their father is a nonentity, dishonest and generally ugh, they will apply all these words to themselves as at least half.
All the bad things you direct at your ex are automatically directed at your children.

And don’t turn the child against the father.

The child cannot separate himself from his father, and at the same time he has a great desire to please his mother - this gives rise to an internal conflict in him, which in most cases leads to very bad consequences. Remember that the divorce is between you and your husband, he is a stranger to you, but for the children you still remain your beloved mom and dad.

Tell your children they are not to blame for your divorce.

For any child, the divorce of their parents is akin to a universal catastrophe, and they shift all the blame onto themselves. You shouldn’t think that everything will go away by itself, that there’s nothing wrong with it - be sure to talk with your child about what he thinks and about his experiences. In conversations, be sure to emphasize that what is happening is not their fault.

Create emotional safety for children

Children see and perceive the world around them through the reactions of their parents. It is by the reaction of adults that they judge the scale and seriousness of changes in their lives. If irritated, aggressive or apathetic parents walk in front of them, this will lead the child to depression. In his head, the thought process develops in the style of “if mom is feeling bad, then the situation is insoluble and will never be good again.”

Emotional

Therefore, it is so important to appear in high spirits in front of your child, not to shout or quarrel with your ex-husband, to organize holidays and fun walks for your child more often, and to behave calmly. Let your child know that everything is fine, and to make your words sound convincing, believe in them yourself.

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How to live alone with children after divorce? In fact, there can only be one answer - great.

Of course, even the most practical and realistic women, when they get married, hope for a long and happy life together, rosy-cheeked children surrounded by mom and dad. There is no need to say that plans are not always fulfilled; statistics know no pity - the number of divorces today is almost equal to the number of registered marriages.

And how many surviving families can be called families in the full sense of the word? Often women cannot decide to divorce their husbands precisely when they are oppressed by fear, “how will I live alone, how will I be left with two or even three children after the divorce?”

Good neighbors and relatives shake their heads and advise patience. They are discussing out loud whether someone with two children will need you after a divorce from her husband. Questions arise: what will happen next, how to live and overcome everything alone. Will you cope with material problems and educational issues? A feeling of guilt comes over the fact that a bad mother could not save the family, was left alone, without support and deprived the children of their father... Immediately drive away these thoughts, you cannot drive a good father away from his children with a stick, even after a divorce.

If divorce is a done deal

When nothing can be fixed, there is only one way out - to start living. And it’s to live, and not immediately go looking for a new partner, but also not to close yourself off with the thought that all men are their own... and, in general, marriage is not about you.

During this period, it is important to stop and experience all the events, let them pass through yourself. Understand what you now want from the people around you and what life should give you. You should definitely find those you can rely on, who have the opportunity to help you with a small child or even two children, and give you simple life advice. This could be a mother, grandmother, sister, friend, you can even reach an agreement with your ex-husband.

When the procedure for divorcing your husband is already over, there is a need to outline a list of main problems and tasks and plan your time. If you move after a divorce, think about whether your children will be able to attend the old school (kindergarten) or whether it makes sense to look for a new one closer. Understand how much you need per month for mandatory payments - rent, kindergarten, school, public transport. Are you sure there will be enough funds? No, it means where you can get them - is your salary enough, maybe it’s worth looking for a part-time job.

Be sure to resolve the issue of alimony. And if there is at least some chance that your ex-husband is one of those wonderful men who, even after a divorce, do not relieve themselves of responsibility for children, apply for alimony, they will make your life much easier. There will be no need to depend on anyone’s ability to work or on the desire to allocate money to children.

If possible, after breaking up, visit a competent psychologist or psychotherapist and listen to his advice. There are special psychological groups that you can attend. Divorce from a husband is a colossal trauma for any woman. This is a burden of resentment and guilt, the loss of a loved one, uncertainty and the destruction of everything that was previously familiar. These things are very difficult to deal with when you are alone. Even friends who have gone through a separation from their husband will not be able to give you advice from an independent psychologist. You don't want to carry all your disappointments with you for the rest of your life, do you? This means there is a reason to contact a specialist.

Relationship with ex-husband

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Of course, a mother raising a child, especially if he is very young, is very busy and it is not so easy for her to find time to visit psychologists. But believe me, these efforts are worth a lot, there is a chance that they will radically change your life.

The time after a divorce from a husband is a time of rapprochement with both a small and an adult child. Like never before, you need to talk to him and explain everything honestly.

Tell him how you will live now, what will change, how his interaction with his father and relatives on his father’s side will be structured. If your ex-husband is ready to share responsibility for the upbringing and leisure of the child, try not to interfere with his meetings with him. After all, he is a parent just like you. He also has an interest in keeping the child safe. In addition, when the baby is with him, you will have such precious time for yourself, for your development, in order to simply relax in silence.

The better you build a relationship with your ex-husband, the more help you will get from him after the separation and the easier it will be for you to live. Over time, grievances will be forgotten, emotions will fade, and you will save your child’s father. And he needs it, he doesn’t even need to prove it.

After a divorce, even a small child often tries to take the position of an adult - to feel sorry for the mother, protect her and help her get through difficult times. Accept this with gratitude, but leave him his childhood, remind him that you care about the baby, and not vice versa. You will be happy and satisfied if your child performs duties appropriate to their age - study well, help around the house. Don't force your child to take sides.

Building a new life

If strong feelings have already subsided, it would be nice to remember what you dreamed of before meeting your husband, what dreams you lived, who you wanted to become, what you could not do when you were not alone. It could be such little things as a short haircut, or it could be something more significant - going to university, taking a cruise, mastering new specialties. The psychologist’s advice is clear – it’s time to start implementing plans.

It’s good if it’s a promotion, turning a hobby into a job. Receiving praise and seeing the fruits of your efforts, every day you will begin to feel more confident, easy-going, and begin to enjoy life. It's time to move on, the problem is in the past.

Try to think positively, this will help you get over the divorce from your husband even faster and start life with a clean slate. This does not mean that you just need to rejoice and drive away any negative experiences. But it would be nice to try to focus on the positive, to surround yourself with beautiful things. Accept compliments, communicate with interesting people. People who will support you in chanting “this bastard ruined my life” are unlikely to be able to bring something constructive into your life and give practical advice. Most likely, they also have many unresolved problems and they can stew in them endlessly, but this only destroys them. When you are left alone, you should not look for those to blame for what happened.

Many will argue that it is impossible to raise a child alone and be successful. And if you’re left alone with two or three children, you won’t have enough time or money. If we can agree with this, it is only that it will not be easy. But the word “impossible” is completely unnecessary here. Today there are a large number of sites dedicated to mothers. There are many opportunities for distance education and earning money without leaving your home.

There are communities that engage in collective purchasing, communities of women who are ready to support each other. To do this, you only need the desire to live and the belief that everything is ahead. That you are not a defective woman with tails, not an unsettled single mother, but a person who knows what he wants. A person who does not bury his head in the sand, continuing to lead a life that is unbearable for him. A woman who was left alone with a child or even two children and decided to divorce in order to give herself and her children the opportunity to experience all the colors of this world. Good luck to you, a little time will pass and you will become a calm and successful woman who wants to live on, and happy children grow up next to you. And the advice of a psychologist will no longer be of any use to you!

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:

Many men, no matter how much they are dissuaded by more experienced relatives and friends, still try to build their relationships with women who are not suitable for family relationships - divorced women with children.

In most cases, such relationships end in logical separation. And there are many reasons for this.

Someone will say that there are examples of such long-term relationships, but as a rule, they are all exceptions to the disappointing rules.

Let's look at the reasons for the transformation of an ordinary young girl into a woman with a child unsuitable for creating any kind of family relationship. The whole thing lies in the very nature of female upbringing.

Before crossing the threshold of the registry office, a young, foolish individual must realize what she actually faces after the divorce from a man, expected by every fiber of her soul. Perhaps she will be left alone, or even with the children, and will already agree to do anything just to somehow feed herself and her children.

This is where the most important thing begins.

Having secured a sweet man for herself and having children for him, the girl immediately gets a divorce in order to sue for everything - from lifelong alimony to shares in Gazprom with a view of the Cote d'Azur. But after the long-awaited divorce, many girls face enchanting disappointment, comparable in its strength to pretentious bewilderment. After a divorce, no one needs a woman with baggage, especially her ex-husband. Why does a normal guy need an ex-girlfriend? Why does a man need a woman with luggage?

Men are creatures, scoundrels, scoundrels and terrible owners, for whom one of the most important criteria in life is the notorious rule - “my wife is my property, not someone else’s, period,” and children are not always an exception to this.

Alas, in our modern world, mired in lack of culture and economic confusion, where the institution of marriage and family was completely and irrevocably lost in the distant Soviet years, marriage is just part of a divorce, and the birth of a child is a bargaining chip, such a strange phenomenon often happens, like marrying a woman with a child. And this is where many underground schools arise, which psychologists around the world do not even know how to characterize, except for one word - horror.

Alas, we must admit that by entering into such a relationship, a man does not create his own family, but only joins, in birdlike rights, terrible for male psychological perception, to an already existing single-parent family, the family of a woman with a child and an ex-husband, who logically has at least some then, but still communication with your children, even if by law they no longer live in a single happy society, capable, in a favorable situation, of raising MENTALLY COMPLETE members of society.

Of course, children in the marriage of divorced parents automatically become inferior, and unfortunately, the trauma of such a marriage affects the child’s future life in a negative way, like the mark of an inferior family for the rest of his life.

And when a stranger ties himself to a woman who has children from a previous marriage, many problems are created.

Someone else's child is a time bomb that, sooner or later, will explode, and then it will become bad, and for everyone at once. The reason for all this is a pedagogical impasse, which consists in the fact that it is simply unrealistic to apply the advanced method of raising children in a family when the child feels and knows that the person close to his mother is not his own father.

In addition, in relation to her dear child, a woman will not allow any criticism, much less punishment or educational actions on the part of her new spouse, and for a child - a stepfather, even if other methods of influence on a spoiled lazy child simply do not work.

It is not difficult to imagine what kind of psychological trauma a child experiences in such a union - when his beloved only mother lives with a stranger whom he must love and respect while the child has a real beloved and natural father, who does not live with them for reasons unknown to the child.

In especially advanced cases, even a verbal instruction to a child is perceived by a woman as an attempt to put physical and psychological pressure on the woman’s only natural child.

In turn, the biological father, no matter how bad this expression may sound, will be clearly against such an execution of his own child by the next lover of his ex-wife, who brought into the house a stranger and a stranger to their joint child. In such a relationship with a divorced woman with a child, the biological father will periodically emerge in the role of an extremely positive character - a Sunday dad, against the background of which the negligent and hateful would-be teacher will look like a monster, tormentor and tyrant to the child.

In a situation where a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child will tactically distance himself from the educational functions of someone else’s child, not his own, so as not to run into inappropriate criticism from the divorced woman and even the child’s biological father, he automatically becomes a negligent man who do not love women and children, even if the children are not his own.

It turns out to be a catastrophic vicious circle, from which there is simply no way out for a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child...