How to help a child cope with emotions: an interview with psychologist Elena Pyatnitskaya. Help your child cope with emotions How a child shows sadness

HOW TO HELP A CHILD COPE WITH NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?

Sometimes a child experiences negative emotions - fear, anxiety, anger. And the parents, worried, do not know how to help him cope with them. Many people are afraid of doing something wrong, and in case of any difficulty they run to friends or a psychologist for advice.
The child, feeling their uncertainty, worries even more, and this anxiety immediately manifests itself in his behavior. In fact, parents tend to underestimate themselves; they know their child, his characteristics, and often even intuitively understand what exactly needs to be done to help.

There are several simple methods that can help children from three to 12 years old cope with their feelings (resentment, jealousy, disappointment) or overcome unconscious fears (fear of separation, fear of failure or competition...).

1) Ask “The One Who Knows Everything”

This method is based on the idea of ​​the collective unconscious, according to which each of us carries with us from birth the entire experience of humanity. This part of the psyche can be called “The one who knows everything” and teach the child to turn to him for help. For example, a timid child will not be able to explain why he is afraid to approach other people. It is useless to ask him about this or tell him how best to act. To begin with, you propose to choose together with him what (or who) could personify the wise figure of “He who knows everything.” For example, an animal, a fairy-tale character or an object. And then tell the child that he can turn to this character for advice every time he becomes scared, unpleasant or difficult. Adults will be interested to know what the unconscious answers, but it is better not to insist. The solutions it offers usually turn out to be reasonable and effective. Many parents who tried this game were surprised at how appropriate the answers were.

2) Compose your own fairy tale

The solution to many children's difficulties and conflicts can be found in magical stories. It is not easy to explain to a child what is happening to him, but he can easily recognize himself in the hero of a fairy tale, no matter who he turns out to be - Thumb Boy or a scared pig. Metaphor is the language of the unconscious, and that is why children like fairy tales so much. They console, give hope and show a way out of a difficult situation. You can compose a fairy tale for your child, which will talk about the same problems as his - shyness, fear, jealousy. Not only a child, but also an animal or any object can become its hero. You need to give him a similar character, add recognizable details that will help the child identify himself with the hero of the fairy tale. He will face similar difficulties, but will emerge victorious thanks to a unique property that he did not even know about. The outcome of the story is always positive. The writing is addressed to the parents’ own unconscious, which is directly related to the child’s unconscious. And therefore, the therapeutic benefit from a fairy tale invented by parents is much greater than from a traditional one, with common truths.

REMEMBER!
It is important that when working with a child, adults are relaxed and calm: feeling this, children also calm down and begin to trust themselves more.

3) Visit the magical world
By imagining, children are easily transported to a world of joy and prosperity. The purpose of this method is to teach them to feel safe and create a special space, a “magical world” in which positive changes are possible (and will occur). The more specific details and details there are in this world, the easier and faster the child will get into it.

You can invite him to close his eyes and imagine how he goes to some place that is familiar and pleasant to him, where he feels good and calm. It’s better if he chooses his own method of transportation - a horse, a rocket, a flying carpet or something else.” For more immersion, ask him to pay attention to what he sees, hears and feels. Color, smell, taste and other details will help make the magical space almost real. This takes time, so take your time and don’t rush your child. After returning from an imaginary trip, be sure to ask him about what happened to him and what feelings he experienced. “Was it the forest or the sea? Were you warm? Were there any animals there?” When finishing, be sure to ask if he came back and if everything is okay with him now. You can go into this world again and again, first with the help of your parents, and then, once you have mastered it, on your own.

4) Help you relax
Relaxation helps to cope with difficulties that manifest themselves physically - restlessness, outbursts of anger. This method is necessary primarily for those children who are not confident in themselves and are often anxious. And for those who can be aggressive: to some children the world seems so dangerous and unreliable that they, unable to stand it, attack first. Relaxation reduces aggression, physical and emotional stress and brings long-awaited rest." The child finds himself in a state of half-asleep, from where it is easier for him to “enter” the world of fantasy or listen to therapeutic fairy tales. Relaxation is helped by quiet, calm music and soothing scents (lavender, oregano, lemon balm). Invite your child to sit comfortably and breathe from his stomach - this is easier to do if you imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, which inflates as you inhale and deflates as you exhale. An adult can demonstrate this on himself not only as an example, but also in order to relax himself. Imagination is a good helper for relaxation. You can invite your child to pretend that he is a snow woman... He has a head, a torso, two arms sticking out to the sides, and he stands on strong legs. Under the rays of the sun, the woman gradually melts, first her head, then one arm, the other... And now she has already turned into a puddle... For the first sessions, the help of adults is necessary, but then the child can relax on his own, for example at school, before an event that worries him.

5) Express feelings
To free yourself from negative emotions and feel lighter, your child needs to express them. But children often refuse to talk about them; they may not yet understand themselves well or, knowing that some experiences are not approved, hide them from adults. Any creative activity helps to overcome this difficulty. Invite your child to draw or sculpt something that is unpleasant or frightens him. Now it will be much easier for him to tell what it is, what it is like. Remind him that all feelings and fantasies are acceptable.
At the time of the story, it is enough for parents to be attentive and interested listeners who, with tactful questions, will “extract” as much experience as possible from their son or daughter. But whatever the child’s feelings, they cannot be judged, judged, or corrected. After the child finishes telling the story, he can do whatever he wants with his “work” - tear it up, crumple it up, destroy it... Let him imagine how at the same time the situation that worried him is destroyed. The next task is to fill the empty “vessel” with positive feelings. Offer to sculpt or draw something he likes, to make something pleasant out of an unpleasant event, as often happens in life.

Parents often tend to underestimate themselves, experts note, to doubt their own instincts and ability to raise their son or daughter. Today, many are afraid of doing something wrong, and in case of any difficulty they run to friends or a psychologist for advice. The child, feeling their uncertainty, worries even more, and this anxiety immediately manifests itself in his behavior.

“The child’s well-being and self-confidence depend on the parents,” reminds child psychologist Alexander Wenger. – The feeling that his parents are nearby (even when this is not the case), that they are protecting him and will always protect him, arises very early, in the first two years of life. By trusting them, the child unconsciously learns to trust other people and the world in general, and grows up confident and independent. Sometimes the level of trust may decrease - and then fears and anxiety appear. Confidence increases and anxiety goes away.”

Unexpected fears, outbursts, furious crying or screaming, restless sleep - parents can teach their children to restore emotional balance and thereby help them believe in themselves. Loving and caring, they are able to understand their child better than other adults and understand what their emotions are saying.

Relaxation, guided imagery, reading and writing - our experts share simple techniques to help children aged three to 12 cope with their feelings (resentment, jealousy, disappointment) or overcome unconscious fears (fear of separation, fear of failure or competition... .). Perhaps parents will like one method more, but ideally it is good to combine them. It is important that when working with a child, adults are relaxed and calm: feeling this, children also calm down and begin to trust themselves more. When the child gets comfortable, you can invite him to play this game on his own.

This is not about parents becoming psychotherapists for their children. But they can solve the problem before it grows and becomes a habit. And if alarming symptoms persist and the child feels unwell, then it is worth asking for advice from a specialist.

Ask "The One Who Knows Everything"

This method is based on the idea of ​​the collective unconscious, according to which each of us carries with us from birth the entire experience of humanity. The founder of analytical psychology, Carl Gustav Jung, believed that the collective unconscious stores the memory not only of the problems we may encounter, but also of how to deal with them. Psychologist Lise Bartoli calls this part of the psyche “The One Who Knows Everything” and suggests teaching the child to turn to it for help*. “For example, a timid child will not be able to explain why he is afraid to approach other people,” explains the psychologist. “It’s no use asking him about it or telling him how best to act.” To begin with, she offers to choose together with him what (or who) could personify the wise figure of “He who knows everything.” For example, an animal, a fairy-tale character or an object. And then tell the child that he can turn to this character for advice every time he becomes scared, unpleasant or difficult. Adults will be interested to know what the unconscious answers, but it is better not to insist. “The solutions it comes up with are usually smart and workable,” says Liz Bartoli. “Many parents who have tried this game have been surprised by how relevant the answers are.” Using this simple and effective method, parents began to trust the child more, and the child could feel that he was able to cope with difficulties without the help of adults.

* L. Bartoli “L"art d"apaiser son enfant" (Payot, 2010).

Write your own fairy tale

The solution to many children's difficulties and conflicts can be found in magical stories. It is not easy to explain to a child what is happening to him, but he can easily recognize himself in the hero of a fairy tale, no matter who he turns out to be - Thumb Boy or a scared pig. Metaphor is the language of the unconscious, and that is why children like fairy tales so much. They console, give hope and show a way out of a difficult situation. Clinical psychologist Doris Brett invites parents to compose a fairy tale for their child, which will deal with the same problems as his - shyness, fear, jealousy *. Not only a child, but also an animal or any object can become its hero. You need to give him a similar character, add recognizable details that will help the child identify himself with the hero of the fairy tale. He will face similar difficulties, but will emerge victorious thanks to a unique property that he did not even know about. The outcome of the story is always positive. Wherever possible, advises Doris Brett, it is better to use humor and imagination! The story can be very simple, or, on the contrary, it can be complex, with a twisted plot. The writing is addressed to the parents’ own unconscious, which is directly related to the child’s unconscious. And therefore, the therapeutic benefit from a fairy tale invented by parents is much greater than from a traditional one, with common truths.

* D. Brett “Once upon a time there was a girl like you...” (Klass, 2005).

Visit the magical world

By imagining, children are easily transported to a world of joy and prosperity. The purpose of this method is to teach them to feel safe and create a special space, a “magical world” in which positive changes are possible (and will occur). The more specific details and details there are in this world, the easier and faster the child will get into it.

You can invite him to close his eyes and imagine how he goes to some place that is familiar and pleasant to him, where he feels good and calm. “It’s better if he chooses his own method of transportation - a horse, a rocket, a flying carpet or something else,” says Liz Bartoli. For more immersion, ask him to pay attention to what he sees, hears and feels. Color, smell, taste and other details will help make the magical space almost real. This takes time, so take your time and don’t rush your child. After returning from an imaginary trip, be sure to ask him about what happened to him and what feelings he experienced. “Was it the forest or the sea? Were you warm? Were there any animals there?” When finishing, be sure to ask if he came back and if everything is okay with him now. You can go into this world again and again, first with the help of your parents, and then, once you have mastered it, on your own.

Help you relax

Relaxation helps to cope with difficulties that manifest themselves in the body - restlessness, outbursts of anger. “This method is necessary primarily for those children who are not confident in themselves and are often anxious,” explains child psychologist Elena Morozova. – And for those who can be aggressive: to some children the world seems so dangerous and unreliable that they, unable to stand it, attack first. Relaxation reduces aggression, physical and emotional stress and brings long-awaited rest." The child finds himself in a state of half-asleep, from where it is easier for him to “enter” the world of fantasy or listen to therapeutic fairy tales. Relaxation is helped by quiet, calm music and soothing scents (lavender, oregano, lemon balm). Invite your child to sit comfortably and breathe from his stomach - this is easier to do if you imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, which inflates as you inhale and deflates as you exhale. An adult can demonstrate this on himself not only as an example, but also in order to relax himself. “Imagination is a great aid to relaxation,” writes child therapist Violet Oaklander*. You can invite your child to pretend that he is a snow woman... He has a head, a torso, two arms sticking out to the sides, and he stands on strong legs. Under the rays of the sun, the woman gradually melts, first her head, then one arm, the other... And now she has already turned into a puddle... For the first sessions, the help of adults is necessary, but then the child can relax on his own, for example at school, before an event that worries him.

* V. Oaklander “Windows into the world of a child” (Klass, 2005).

Express your feelings

To free yourself from negative emotions and feel lighter, your child needs to express them. “But children often refuse to talk about them,” says child psychologist Elena Morozova. “They may not yet understand themselves well or, knowing that some experiences are not approved, hide them from adults.” Any creative activity helps to overcome this difficulty. Invite your child to draw or sculpt something that is unpleasant or frightens him. Now it will be much easier for him to tell him what it is, what it is like. Remind him that all feelings and fantasies are acceptable. “At the time of the story, it is enough for parents to be attentive and interested listeners who, with tactful questions, will “extract” as much experience as possible from their son or daughter,” says Elena Morozova. “But whatever the child’s feelings, they cannot be judged, judged or corrected.” After the child finishes telling the story, he can do whatever he wants with his “work” - tear it up, crumple it up, destroy it... Let him imagine how at the same time the situation that worried him is destroyed. The next task is to fill the empty “vessel” with positive feelings. Offer to sculpt or draw something he likes, to make something pleasant out of an unpleasant event, as often happens in life.

Young children often don't know how to cope with feelings of anger, but parents can teach them to relax and let go of their emotions. Of course, adults have more real reasons to feel angry (you have problems at work, you dropped and broke your phone, or you got stuck in a traffic jam). But put yourself in the child’s place: there are also many disappointments in his life. He is frustrated by other children who do not want to share toys; adults interfering with his games; older brothers who have more privileges in the family, and many things that the child has not yet mastered. It's no wonder that young children are so prone to emotional breakdowns.

You cannot eliminate the causes of such emotional breakdowns, but already at the age of 2–3 years you should teach your child to control himself. Your job is to help him find ways to express and cope with his emotions. When your child is having a tantrum, you may be tempted to call him to order, but this will only make him angrier. Instead, show empathy and encourage your child to find a better way to express their emotions.

Children who remain calm in difficult situations are more likely to achieve success in life. According to a study by American psychologists, children who were better able to cope with emotions showed better results in learning and social life. They also appeared to be more emotionally resilient in stressful situations.

Of course, some children have a harder time staying calm under pressure than others, but parents can help them become calmer.

Identify feelings

Young children may not realize that they are feeling angry - they are simply venting their feelings. You should help your child become aware of his feelings before he expresses them.

When explaining to your child the nature of feelings, use the analogy of a volcano: lava boils inside a volcano for some time before it breaks out. Tell your child that feeling angry works the same way, but you can learn to prevent the outburst.

First of all, the child must learn to name his emotions. Discuss certain situations with your child, for example: “I think you are angry with your friend because he teased you, right?” Over time, the child will also learn to use such phrases. As he becomes more aware of his emotions, teach him to recognize the physical manifestations of feelings (“My cheeks are burning”) and the situations that trigger those feelings (“I get angry when my older brother does something I’m not allowed to do”). This way he will learn to recognize his emotions.

Take breaks

Talk to your child about how difficult it is to think straight when experiencing negative emotions. Teach your child to pause to calm down and then look for a solution to the problem.

To help your child calm down, you may need to take him to a quiet, calm place. At the same time, you need to cope with his opposition (for example, say: “Honey, you need to calm down”). If you simply remove your child from a place where an emotionally difficult situation is occurring, this may not be enough. You will need to offer him some kind of activity (for example, listening to music or running in the yard).

There is another well-known way to calm down - deep breathing. Explain to your child that feeling angry makes him breathe faster. To calm down, you need to slowly inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. A child can be taught this from an early age, and it will become a habit.

Discuss the situation

Once the child has calmed down, he can immediately forget about what was bothering him. But, if he is still angry, ask what he can do differently next time to avoid negative emotions. If the child cannot think of anything suitable, suggest an option yourself (for example, “If you invite your brother to play football and he is busy, invite him to play when he finishes his work”). By accepting your ideas, the child will learn to find solutions that suit everyone.

This communication strategy can help you control situations without allowing your child to experience negative emotions. For example, when a child in a store demands to buy him a toy, you can give him an ultimatum under the guise of a choice: either he stops begging for the toy, or he goes home with dad. In this case, he himself chooses the option for further developments.

Use humor

People who can laugh at their problems and themselves deal better with difficult situations. When a child sees that you treat your problems with humor, he begins to do the same. For example, if you and your child are driving in a car and get stuck in a traffic jam, turn your concern into a joke (“Last week I saw flying cars at a car dealership. I wish I had bought such a car, we could use it now”). If you see your child feeling stressed, try to make him feel better with a joke (“Are you mad because your little sister dropped your ice cream on the ground? Let's tell her that ice cream is meant to be eaten, not planted in the ground.”) .

Create a designated no-screaming zone in your home.

There is no need to explain that parents who yell at their children subsequently have children who also tend to yell at others. You can't expect your child to learn to control their emotions if you don't know how to do it yourself.

Even if you have disagreements with your child, teach him to discuss situations in a calm tone. Once you have established this rule in your home, come up with a plan for how to teach this to your child. For example, you can first use reminders (“Don’t forget the rule – we don’t shout”), then warnings (“If you raise your voice again, we won’t go to the cinema this weekend as we agreed before”). Be prepared to apply consequences if previous methods do not work.

Adults are often dissatisfied that the child is not restrained, is timid, is capricious, gets a little angry or gets into a fight. But few people think about the fact that the ability to manage one’s emotions does not come to a person on its own. Emotional intelligence needs to be developed in the same way as we develop the ability to read, count and solve logical problems. We'll tell you how to do this.

For a little person, emotions are something incomprehensible, vague and poorly understood. Sometimes he drowns in an ocean of complex experiences, cannot recognize unpleasant feelings in person, and, having recognized them, drives them away, because some emotions are scary to admit even to yourself, especially if you do not know how to control them. Sometimes it seems that the child is wound up half a turn, but in fact a tangle of fears, anxieties and sorrows could accumulate in his soul for hours, days and even months.

For a person to be able to cope with these problems, he needs emotional intelligence, which helps:

- distinguish between emotions, recognize them in yourself and others;

- accept any feelings, including negative ones, understand that this is a normal, inevitable and even necessary part of life;

- choose for yourself how to show this or that emotion.

Learning to recognize emotions

1. In cinema and literature

You can introduce your baby to different feelings from the first books and cartoons. To begin with, you can deal with the external manifestations of emotions, and then with their internal causes.

When choosing children's literature, pay attention to the illustrations. It is important that the faces or muzzles of the heroes of fairy tales and stories are well drawn, “alive” (remember the wonderful fairy tales of V. G. Suteev). Then it will be possible to draw the attention of the little listener to their feelings: “Which cat is here - sad or cheerful? Why is the cat sad?” “Look how the fox frowned. Apparently she was angry with the wolf...", etc.

Of course, as the child grows up, the material for discussion should change (almost any high-quality teenage books and films will do, even Harry Potter). By the age of ten or twelve, children are able to distinguish much more complex shades of emotions; it is important to talk with them about the fact that people can often experience opposite feelings at the same time. And this is absolutely normal, because we are complex creatures, so complex that we can love and hate one person, want something and be afraid of it...

2. In games and creativity

In emails, we use “emoticons” to indicate feelings. But you can draw emojis on paper too! Ask your child to guess what you depicted - sadness, joy, surprise, fear. Ask how the baby guessed - by the eyebrows, corners of the mouth, etc. Then let him draw his face, and the parents will guess what mood she is in. If your little one already uses gadgets, then ask them to find the appropriate “emoticons” on the screen for a particular situation from a fairy tale or cartoon.

Talk about the emotions that your child hears in music or sees in the paintings of famous artists. Try to draw sadness, joy, fear, anger together. What colors will you need, what strokes?

You can also explore feelings by playing pantomime. Prepare “emotional” cards similar to the popular game “Activity”, on which the task will be to depict an angry watchman, a frightened fawn, a confused buyer, an angry citizen, a jubilant girl, a surprised lady, etc. Here the child will pay attention not only to facial expressions, but also on other bodily manifestations of emotions - postures, gestures, speed of movements.

Teenagers who have an interest in literature can compete in the most accurate verbal description of emotions through actions, smells, tastes and sounds. For example, try to convey impatience, inspiration, anxiety, numbness, indifference in a small text so that they can be guessed.

3. In life

We talk quite easily about our “good” feelings, but avoid mentioning our “bad” ones. But in fact, it is very important that parents name their negative emotions in words, and not show them in irritated gestures, elevated tone, or sarcastic intonations. It is easier for a child to navigate the surrounding reality if the mother says directly: “I was upset,” “I was angry,” “I was offended,” etc. Hearing this, the child also learns to empathize with others, learns that his actions can cause surrounding certain feelings. The main thing is not to go too far - you shouldn’t burden your children with your complex adult problems or engage in emotional blackmail (“If you don’t..., mom’s heart won’t stand it”).

It is equally useful to name the child’s emotions. Of course, we do not have the right to categorically decide for another person what he feels (“You’re not cold, but hungry”), but we can make our own assumptions. “It seems like you were upset because...”, “You were offended when..., right?”, “You are very bored and want to...”.

Learning to accept emotions

Children often hear: “You can’t be angry with the teacher”, “There’s nothing to be afraid of”, “I found something to be sad about”, “Boys don’t cry”, “Girls should always be kind”, “Being offended is bad”, “Good children don’t behave like that,” etc. Parents think that as soon as they ban “wrong” feelings, they will disappear, as if by magic. But not noticing these emotions is as dangerous as trying to stop water flowing from the mountains. It is better to prepare convenient channels for it or allow it to flow in beautiful waterfalls than to wait for the tightly locked power to break through the dams and fall down, sweeping away everything in its path.

A child can feel anything. Has the right to. And it is much more likely that he will share a difficult experience if no one scolds or shames him in return. And then, most likely, this experience will not turn into illness.

Tell your child that emotions appeared in humans and animals for a reason. They are useful and sometimes help to survive. For example, fear protects us from danger, anger helps us protect ourselves, surprise makes us look closely at something new, and disgust helps us stay away from what is harmful to the body.

Explain that all people are sometimes bored, hurt, or scared. And you can also live with these difficult feelings for a while. They are tolerable, you can cope with them, and even while experiencing them, at the same time you can find something joyful and bright in your soul.

Learning to manage emotions

Understanding your feelings and not being afraid of them is already a great success. The next step is to learn a few strategies for dealing with emotionally difficult situations.

You can tell your child that when he is overwhelmed by a strong feeling, he chooses how to react, literally, like clothes in a closet. If a kid has only two T-shirts hanging in his locker called “I’m angry”: “Getting into a fight” and “Calling names,” then he has nothing else to “wear.” But you can hang many different things in this locker, for example, “Step aside and catch your breath”, “Talk to the offender”, “Beat the pillow”, “Ask adults for help”, etc. Now the child can consciously decide what to do in a specific situation. And it turns out that it is not at all necessary to rush into battle with your fists every time.

To help your baby learn different ways of behavior, act them out in scenes with toys. For example, the car didn’t have enough space in the garage, the animals didn’t share the treats at a tea party, the bear’s best friend didn’t come to his birthday party, etc. Sometimes a parent can be a capricious, pugnacious, touchy hero, whom the child will calm down and teach how to deal with the problem.

But, of course, children learn best from our example. Let's say mom returned home tired and very irritated. She can throw her bag into a corner, yell at the children for unwashed dishes and unfinished homework, and answer questions sharply. It turns out that her irritation (the true cause of the conflict) seems to not exist, but only disobedient offspring. But this is not so! Mom can honestly admit: “I’m exhausted and ready to boil at any moment. Please make me some tea and leave me alone. You will have half an hour to finish everything you didn’t have time to do.” In this case, children will learn a valuable lesson: 1) recognizing an emotion, 2) handling it carefully, 3) displaying it in a civilized manner without harming others.

It’s great if parents share their experience of dealing with difficult emotions, because each of us has our own ways. For example, they could be like this:

• Talking to others about your feelings in words
• Screaming loudly in the forest
• Crumpling, tearing and throwing paper, and then picking up each piece and throwing it away
• Build something specifically to destroy it
• Run, jump, hit a punching bag as quickly as possible
• Listen to your favorite music
• Walk in the park and collect or count something
• Draw your emotions as monsters and then tear them to shreds
• Dance and make faces in front of the mirror
• Shoot at a shooting range, swim in a pool, play other sports
• String beads, weave baubles, embroider
• Give yourself 15 minutes a day to continuously whine or sing “depressive songs” (sing as sadly as you can about your problems to an arbitrary tune until you burst out laughing)
• Describe feelings in a diary, write poetry, draw pictures
• Write letters to the person you're angry with and then destroy them
• Breathe counting, gradually stretching inhalation and exhalation
• Etc.

If a child again expresses his anger or irritation in an unacceptable way (insults or hits other people, throws objects at them, breaks their things or crafts), you need to gently stop him and remind him that there are still many other behavior options in his “closet”. Gradually, the child will begin to choose more effective response strategies himself, learn to manage his emotions and help those around him calm down.

In the future, developed emotional intelligence will more than once help a growing person survive life’s dramas, find a common language with people, achieve success in the profession, and, most importantly, be healthier and happier.

Children's tantrums are quite common. It's rare that a family can avoid them. Sometimes the reason for a child's anger lies in the reaction of the parents. But even if adults behave calmly, it can be difficult to calm a child down. How can you help your child cope with his emotions?

Most parents do not try to understand the cause of children's tantrums. The child is asked to go to another room, stand in a corner, and think about his behavior. In more advanced cases, slaps on the butt and other methods of assault are used. All these methods of education teach the child one thing - to drive his anger inside, not to advertise it. “You are bad if you are angry” - this is the non-verbal message adults send to children through their actions.

Correct position

What position should parents take if they want to teach their child how to manage irritation? A child who cannot control his reactive anger will continue to yell at his children in adulthood. Or eat your emotions with food. It is important to teach your child to accept anger and not take it out on loved ones.

Any emotions and feelings are normal. But they can be expressed in different ways. To teach a child emotional literacy, parents should change their behavior tactics during children's whims, and become a benevolent friend to the child not a dangerous adversary. By the way, this position is important both in communicating with young children and teenagers.

As you know, children learn from the example of their parents. Therefore, the calm of adults during children's tantrums is extremely important. Parental anger, like any other form of aggression, is often born instantly. The mother or father begins to scream and get angry before they themselves are aware of their reaction. It only takes a split second for the well-functioning response mechanism to work, and the adult begins to lose his temper.

This is why it is very important to stop. Even if some of the aggression has already been shown, you should try to pause and stop being angry with the child and with yourself. To do this, it is useful to go to another room, to be alone with yourself for at least a few minutes. It is necessary to find the starting point from which it all began. What specific words or actions of the child provoked the reaction? What feelings overwhelmed you at that moment? When the parent himself is in contact with his emotional experiences, it becomes much easier to help the child.

Anger can be expressed in different ways, but not every way is acceptable. Physical manifestations are unacceptable, so parents should immediately stop attempts to take out anger with their fists. This should be explained to the child calmly but firmly. Anger is natural for a child. Young children are not good at controlling their emotions; their brains are not yet developed enough to do so. Even adults can find it difficult to cope with strong anger, let alone children.

You need to understand that a child uses anger to protect himself from an external or internal threat. By suppressing certain feelings, feelings of fear or resentment, the child provokes anger in himself. Therefore, it is quite natural that the baby wants to get rid of these experiences and throw them out. To take out your anger in an acceptable way, you can try one of the methods of art therapy. For this, the child is asked to draw the most “terrible” animal. Then the parent picks up this picture and completes the drawing, making it “beautiful.” The actions are performed several times, after which the child is allowed to transform the “terrible” into a “beautiful” animal himself.

It is important for every person to be heard - it does not matter whether it is a child or an adult. The baby, whom they are trying to understand, feels this and calms down faster.

It is also extremely useful for parents to try to step into the child’s shoes. Any situation can be viewed from different angles. It will be easier to understand a child if you look at everything through his eyes. At the same time, parents must show their child that they care about his feelings.

The baby needs parental love like air. Especially in those moments when it’s hard for him and he experiences anger. When the child calms down, it is worth talking to him about his feelings and what he experienced. But you don't need to lecture him. He already understands that he is wrong.

The child must be purposefully taught the correct expression of emotions. And for this, the parent himself must be close to the child’s experiences. You can start by ensuring that your child learns not to accumulate aggression within himself, but to communicate it to other people.

The easiest way to do this is by speaking out loud the child's feelings. For example: “You’re angry”, “You’re upset”, “I see you didn’t like it...”. The parent can also tell the child about his own experiences: “I see that you are angry. And I'm sad."

The child should be made the “expert” in the current situation. For example, saying: “What are we going to do now? How can you have fun again (find a good mood)?” At the same time, you need to listen to both your feelings and the child, selecting the most suitable options. Even the process of finding a good mood can become very exciting for both the child and his parent.

The search process can also be supported in a material way. For example, by making a list of all the things that bring joy to your baby. Psychologists recommend performing one fifth of the methods listed in this list every day. But this should be done without reference to the occurrence of a stressful state - both on those days when the child is capricious and on those when he is in a good mood. This will allow your baby to form a very useful habit - to please himself. In a stressful situation, it will be easier for him to agree to the offer to switch from traumatic circumstances to a pleasant activity.

Additional Recommendation: The Personification Method for Combating Aggression in Young Children

If the baby is under three years old, then to calm him down, you can use the technique of personifying feelings. If the child starts to get angry, the parent is recommended to help him find the right metaphor for the overwhelming feelings: “Are you angry like a tiger? Or like a dragon? Or maybe like a bull? An adult can even demonstrate how angry a particular member of the animal kingdom might be.

After this, you can ask the question: “What should be done to make this animal calm down and have fun?” And the child himself can suggest a way to neutralize his irritation.